Cumming of Age

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Cumming of Age

How skilled is the baby-dyke with her fingers, her tongue, her sweltering, virile vagina? And are older lesbians lacking stamina? Can they keep up with the young? Or are they aging swiftly into dry ice?

These are only few of the questions haunting my 35th year, which is the age that is exactly between young and older. I find myself going through violent spurts of wanting to get laid thoroughly and frequently — and there are moments when I consider bedding women with whom I know I do not wish to become entangled in any way. In short, some days, my pussy is running the decision-making show.

Faithful as my Hitachi has been, the tactile is what woos me in these days. I need tongues (one at a time, please) and teeth and fingernails and breath — I need a body goddammit!

But I also find that am less patient with the process of love or lust or whatever you want to booty-call it. I want her to know what the hell she is doing as soon as she walks through my Brooklyn doors. I don’t want to teach anybody. Nor do I want to ease anyone back into the forgotten process of wild and wanton fucking.

Call me pernickety, call me unfair, but I want a significant number of orgasms from the jump. Which brings me to the opening question. How good are young dykes on the Richter-scale of same-sex screwing.

To be frank, I usually I avoid the baby-dykes. Not because I don’t value them, but because they seem too interested in fashion and pop-culture and what their friends think about their hair or feet or whatever. Everything is more pressing than the business of figuring out how I like my vulva sucked on, or my anus entered. Older dykes tend to be bossy, know-it-alls who make me feel like I am dating my mother. And I don’t get wet with my mother in my ear whispering curt instructions about how I should suck on her nipple.

Now, you would think that the perfect match for me would fall in the mid-thirties age group. But we are just as fucked up and delinquent about the technical details of sixty-nine-ing, or rimming or fisting. As I get older, I get less squeamish. As I get less squeamish, I get more annoyed with people who are afraid to fuck me.

When I was a baby-dyke I was looking for true love and permanence and someone to raise this baby I have been threatening for years. Now that I am jaded and horny and about to get pregnant, I just want good sex and no long-painful arguments about whom is more attached than whom, or why you love me, or don’t love me, or why you just need to have Winnie The Pooh in the bed when we do it.

As things stand, I am single and searching for the woman who could toss my proverbial salad regularly and without too much invested in the traditional U-haul and picket-fence lesbian lifestyle. That said, tomorrow I may awaken beside you and want to marry you. I reserve the right to be anything I damn well decide to be. I can’t wait till I am old enough to fart during sex and not apologize for it.

Bitter as I am, I can only hope that something monumental will occur to render me as dewy-eyed as the young, as wise and forgiving as the old and as happy as the fools (of all ages) who do not even know that they are not having good sex.

(Staceyann Chin is the author of The Other side of Paradise: A Memoir)

Comments [126]

Erin Blackwell's picture

darling, relax and enjoy the

darling, relax and enjoy the sideshow.

the readers of this site are incredibly timid. I so often find myself yawning at the comments.when they bother to comment!

there, now they can pile on me.

Grace Moon's picture

I actually totally disagree with you.

We have actually spent several days discussing guidlines for this site.

I asked everyone to particiapte in coming up with and adding to our list of guidlines.

and you did,

You've all agreed to them, and we created this:

Please read and excerpt.

Be civil/mind your tone.
No personal attacks. There is a difference between expressing an opposing opinion and ridiculing someone who disagrees with you. This is probably our biggest issue, so please give examples that may help clarify what this means to you and we'll include them in our official guidelines when we post them.

tweet tweet @gracemoon

minniesota's picture

Diana and Grace, I think the

Diana and Grace, I think the tone of this blog is just hard to interpret without hearing Staceyann's voice. Some people are reading it differently and having a viseral reaction to it. That's just my interpretation of their reaction, not an excuse for rudeness.

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

Erin Blackwell's picture

what's wrong with a little

what's wrong with a little rudeness? i could use some more syllables per word, some imagination in the viscera, it's true. thanks for trying to make peace, M'sota

Rusty's picture

Gotta agree

I try to limit my vitriol toward other readers, but I agree that between the ugly on this blog, Michelle's blog on dating down, and the Ask Mister SoftT video blog it would be surprising if Grace could get any new bloggers to come play in the Park.

"When you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it, you surely will." ~ Pollyanna

Erin Blackwell's picture

it's the self-obsession that

it's the self-obsession that keeps us coming back. oops. i mean, *cumming* back.

peacekitty's picture

Uh oh..I haven't read any of

Uh oh..I haven't read any of those blogs.  I guess I missed all of the negativity.

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Diana Cage's picture

just to clarify

the negativity was in the comments not the blogs.

peacekitty's picture

I apologize, I haven't been

 I haven't been keeping up on the reading lately.  I didn't realize what was happening. 

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

peacekitty's picture

Hey I'm not vitriolic! Dont'

Hey I'm not vitriolic! Dont' group us all together like that. Do you cringe at mine?  xoxo

You can even go back and read all of mine since they're all logged.  With the exception of a few tiffs I'd say I'm pretty darned positive most of the time.

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Diana Cage's picture

no, you're right

It's not everyone. I shouldn't make a sweeping statement. But I know that friends of mine read the blogs and wont comment because they fear the tooth and nail of some of the regular commenters.

And I hate that. Hate that a space I love has become unwelcoming to members of my community. In my ten years of working in lesbian media I've never once written a negative book review, film review, etc etc in any of the mags and blogs I've edited. Not because there aren't crappy books, films, magazines and blogs out there, there are plenty of them. But I won't waste precious, costly pages of what little media we have on negative bullshit when I could use that same space and energy to laud the things I think deserve it. Plus, backbiting, attacks and whatever should be directed at those who hold us down. Not at each other. We'll never get a god damn right if we can't even bond.

And yes, I've been the target of it too. Back when I was the editor of On Our Backs the message boards would blow up about what an asshole I was if I ran an article about bi women, or about butches, or included pictorials of transwomen. Anything could set off some group. Fat dykes would call fatphobia if there weren't enough fat women represented. Femme loving femmes would freak out when they saw a dildo. Didn't matter, it was always something. You can't please all the lesbians all the time... but I don't know why so many have to be so mean when they don't like something. Why not just move on? If you don't like something let it sit there for other people to enjoy, or hate or whatever. Or be constructive. But just attacking a sister who's working her ass off for no money to try and bring a little fun and sex into our world... what's the reasoning behind that? Can someone explain?




K I T's picture

mmmmmmm let me try ?

[quote]But just attacking a sister who's working her ass off for no money to try and bring a little fun and sex into our world... what's the reasoning behind that? Can someone explain?[/quote]

ok heres a psych thought on it ?

how about the  economics and recession and financial worries  work and beats me what else that some might have and that they get frustrated over and thee for there frustration comes out and  gets pointed at those who might even stand the closes to them ? etc

beats me and of course it is no excuse what so ever

people take stuff out on any one and no one in particular to these days and im not talking  this site or just the net im talking in general ofline in daily life to

does not mean we have to accept or get used to it or that it cant change etc. just a matter of being  aware one self and thats the first step

ok im done rambling and what i said might not make any sense?




Diana Cage's picture


I think that's a good analysis. But I still prefer to direct my vitriol toward the homophobes and the conservatives with their boot on my neck.

LongBeachDogLover's picture

I understand, however.....

I've always felt that it's our differences, and all of the fabulous flavors in the LGBTQ community, that make us what and who we are. It doesn't mean that we need to blindly accept everything that is said, or written, by someone simply because they are 'one of us'..... I just find that dishonest.

Quite honestly, that  mindset is what drives the conservative community. No independent thought, no personal views if they are somewhat different. I would hope that our community would understand that different thoughts, and opinions, should be listened to and explored for their potential value. Different thoughts, different points of view - I find that a very exciting part of our community. 

Diana, I have friends who will not post here also..... Their fear is that they are too conservative. That their opinions will be thrown out with yesterdays garbage. They have no desire to argue about why they are the women that they are. They are well educated, professional, feminist, lesbian women who don't need the shit they would surely get.... being a lesbian does not automatically make a woman an - agree with everything a 'sister' says, liberal. 

If what I'm hearing is correct, and please tell me if I'm reading this incorrectly - those who post should only do so if they:

A) agree with the blogger  

B) say nothing negative

C) support 'sisterhood' at the expenspense of an honest dialog  

D) just read the blogs that don't stimulate the thought process

E) find another website (say it ain't so)   Shock


Aren't we being a bit sensitive.   


*Personal attacks are wrong. But, comments on blog content seem fair*



Diana Cage's picture

gimme a break

No, don't agree if you don't like it.

But don't tell people to fuck off, or that they suck or anything else that looks like a personal attack. Conservatives can dissent, bring it on. Calling names and saying shitty things about people when you don't like a post is ugly.

Now I'm going to go make dinner and then eff my girlfriend. Good night, ladies.

Tex's picture

Big smooch!

Diana Cage, I still love you......and your boobs!   Smile

Nothing but love


Twitter Time @kdhales

LongBeachDogLover's picture

As I said....

Personal attacks are wrong. 


K I T's picture


every one is cooking ? lol have a nice dinner ! whats on the menu?

winks  o and good night to you to

i should be sleeping  got to go to a wedding tomorrow mm make that today


Not2Taem's picture

Taking advantage of the heat

Well, if the stove's already hot, we might as well cook on it.  Wink

K I T's picture


as long as we dont get burned


K I T's picture

hi lbdl

question ? you say [quote] I have friends who will not post here also..... Their fear is that they are too conservative. That their opinions will be thrown out with yesterdays garbage.[/quote]

first of all let me say that  your friends are more then welcome to join and post (atleast according to me that is) lol

but just wondering now what you mean with to conservative and  opinions be trown etc why fear

they sure not have to be afraid of me



LongBeachDogLover's picture

Well K I T ..........

I certainly can't speak for all of my friends.... but, I'd say that 90% are conservative lesbians. All I can say is that they are non confrontational woman. They live their lives open, and proud. Confident, and successful. As I have asked them to check out VP, each and every girl has said that their comments would illicit some feedback that they wouldn't care to participate in. 

Now, they have also stated that the website has an obvious slant, as judged by the blog content. 

The difference between most of my closest friends and myself is.... I'm an idiot who doesn't mind getting her ass kicked. Most of my friends are very gentle women, who never discuss lesbian issues. They just simply live their lives without discussing it.... they put their lifestyle where their mouths are, so to speak. I love them all dearly, and I do agree with their choice to refrain from participating. They are far too sensible for this silliness.....



K I T's picture

sure sounds like

seems like you got some cool friends

and mm im glad you do get on here ( how or where else would i get the chance to talk 2 you and teas you?

you know  ther are a couple of celebs that i think are role modules although lot of people will disagree with me on it.  the once as you said who  live there lifes with out the need to shout things of the roof yet not hiding it either just live it

one of them for example to me would be Susan Flannery

p.s  if your a idiot then your a cute & nice one


LongBeachDogLover's picture

That's an awesome example.....

I'm not a 'flag flying' lezzie. I'm out, but I don't shout it from the roof tops. Like my friends, I just live my life and don't make a huge deal out of whom I love. Generally, I find myself surrounded by like individuals. Very confident women and men, who respect themselves enough to live their lives as an example to others that we are no different than anyone else. I find that a very 'evolved' way to live..... But, that's just me.

I'm glad I'm here too, K I T. You always have a way of making me smile.....or sometimes, scratch my head.

LMAO   Wink


K I T's picture

itchy ?

mm hope i aint giving you any fleas ?

rather make you smile then scratch


peacekitty's picture

I totally understand where

I totally understand where you're coming from. 


"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

minniesota's picture

Mixed messages

Imma confused. One one hand, you want us to be nice. On the other hand, Erin is calling us out for being too timid. What's a commenter to do? I will just continue to make my comments in the way that feels right for me--mostly nice and mostly with humor but sometimes a bit cranky like now--and the hell with what anyone thinks.

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

Diana Cage's picture


I can't recall you ever leaving a comment attacking anyone and you've always been one of the most smart, awesome readers. I have always enjoyed interacting with you. When you and I disagree it's fun. It's fun to tease and spar with you. I LIKE when you are the dissenting voice because you're dissenting voice is cool and funny. I feel like we made friends back in the OC days and I'm pretty sure if you thought about it for a sec you'd know I wasn't addressing my frustration at you.

minniesota's picture

Peaches to you

Well, I just feel like hugging you and everyone else right know, including Oprah (reference to the question of the day blog). Imma go cook some peach tartlets now because I found this nice recipe on the Internet.

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

Not2Taem's picture

Peaches and Tartlets?

You really know how to satisfy a gal!  Tongue

Seriously Minnie, don't every change to try to please us. I love you just the way you are.

minniesota's picture

Things are cookin'

My tarlets will be ready in 15 minutes. And since I had crust left over, I'm making cinammon crust. That was a big treat in my family. Whenever Mom made pie we kids would beg her to save some crust for that. Yum, yum.

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

LongBeachDogLover's picture



I bet your 'tartlets' are delicious!   Evil

Not2Taem's picture

Sounds delish!

Right up there with Sopapillas or fried dough.  Can I Likelike your fingers when you're done?  Tongue

Robin Rigby's picture

"Likelike"?  You should

"Likelike"?  You should change your avatar to that pic I sent you if you're going to reference it. Smile

Not2Taem's picture

Link up, Sister

Or you could post a link to it and we can make it a part of the standard Queer lexicon. Glasses

You know you've hit the big time when your in Wikipedia.  Cool

peacekitty's picture

Yes we really do.  :) 

Yes we really do.  :)   Speaking of food, Minnie introduced me to tamales.  I'd never had one before she mentioned them and now they are one of my favorite Mexican foods.

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Not2Taem's picture

Tamale Ambassador

That's our Minnie! Glasses

LongBeachDogLover's picture

You're so easy......

If I give you a hug will you bake an apple pie?

I'm 5'10", when I hug you I think you'll really like it !!

*So Minns - your being short and all, does have it's advantages*   Wink


K I T's picture


5'10" i bet you aint talking meters and centimeters there


K I T's picture

lol i think

we know now who found the bong and hemp

keep hugging hon


p.s. wonder what your really cooking  up lol

peacekitty's picture

Now Diana, this does irk

Now Diana, this does irk me.  If you pick one favorite on here and shower that commenter with compliments while you ignore and/or chastise others, that will keep people away too.  Sorry I'm just saying. 

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Diana Cage's picture

oh come on

minns got all huffy at me! I had to de-escalate her!

Fine PK, I'll perform free oral sex on everyone at VP that doesn't tear a sister down. And, I wrote a book on that shit so you know I know how to do it right. Wink

Lake's picture

The Line....

forms to the right..........Wink


Not2Taem's picture

Something New?

So all that time we've spent ...

That's not a general bennie?  Puzzled

Awe Cage. Now I really feel special!  Crown

LongBeachDogLover's picture

I've learned that nothing is free!! LMAO

What's the catch?   Wink

Diana Cage's picture

the catch is

bite your tongue if you want some tongue

peacekitty's picture

lol...yowsa!!  *doing the

lol...yowsa!!  *doing the happy dance*  Smile

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Diana Cage's picture

and anyway

you know I love you, sister

minniesota's picture

Imma hug you too, PK

PK, I send you a hug and if you were close I'd say come over for some peach tartlets in about an hour when they will be ready. You take care now. Laughing out loud

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

peacekitty's picture

Aww thanks Minnie.. a big hug

Aww thanks Minnie.. a big hug back at you too.  I would bring you some of the best tamales.  Smile

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"