Horse Stories for Women

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Horse Stories for Women

Once much-coveted members of our society, horses have been relegated to the southern ranches, 4-H communities and elitist enclaves that continuously conspire to revive a nostalgic vision of America, useful only to conservatives and the beer and cigarette companies who cater to them. Yet, deep within the shadows of these oddly out-of-date fantasies, a secret society secretly known as the Secret Sisterhood of the Stable Horse (SSSH) has emerged in loving tribute to the relationships shared between simple women and their even simpler horses: the tight-knit bonds, the innocent late-night rendezvous and the vaguely erotic dialogue shared over sugar cubes and sweet teen confessions.

If you’ve ever seen a film or read a book, then you know that our society has historically been kind to lonely adolescent girls. Kind indeed. Despite the oft-reported statistics in the real world involving pre-teen girls and rape, abuse, self-esteem issues, eating disorders, educational inequality, polygamous compounds and sex trafficking, our culture’s fantasy world always provides a young girl with a trusty friend who will protect her, stay by her side, and like the young girl herself require hours of grooming. That's right! It's your dream come true, lonely adolescent girl: your best friend is a horse! SSSH, close your eyes and think of National Velvet, The Horse Whisperer and the videos of Linda Ronstadt.


"Why won’t that stallion notice my new vagina dress?"

In our mainstream culture, there is a direct, if implicit, parallel between asexual, lonely adolescent girls and asexual, lonely lesbians. Both love and respect the natural world, look great in leather and in barns, and do painstaking work to listen to what animals have to say. (It’s mostly whispers.)

When it comes to the asexual pre-teen or lesbian, the horse is a friend, a playmate in a spiritual sense of the word. The horse is a counterpart for the suspiciously “unattached” girl and offers a viable excuse for her tomboy tendencies and her disinterest in young men. Society assumes that the asexual girl will grow out of her tomboyhood (and implied lesbianism) so that one day A MAN can rightfully inhabit the space between her legs. Will we let that happen, ladies? No, SSSH won't hear of it! Lesbians won't give up their love of horses, whether they have one or not.


Horses: Dolphins of the Land

But wait! This Pony Express has a special delivery for straight horse lovers, too! In case you haven't noticed, horses make a perfect prop for female heterosexuality, as they tend to gather around attractive, single ladies outside Western saloons and Golden Corrals. The mere presence of a horse exponentially increases a lonely woman's sex appeal, standing in as it so obviously does for the unbridled spirit of heterosexual male virility. According to recent Gallop polls, nine out of 10 straight women agree (when forced to pose with horses for male pleasure): the only thing better than a long walk on the beach is a long ride on the beach. Giddy up!


And some people say there’s nothing gay about horseback riding…

As you can see, the horse is a multi-faceted creature that carries rich symbolic meaning for everyone, everywhere, all the time. Straight people who like beer commercials appreciate that the entirety of their sexuality can be reduced to a single, sweeping image of an untamed horse powering across a passive countryside. And lesbians who love womyn who love horses can join with the sisters of SSSH to celebrate the beauty of their animal friendships, while learning valuable skills that will make them appear less lonely, longing and virginal to straight society. "Comb my hair, girl,” says the horse to the budding lesbian who needs practice combing her hair. “Come explore nature with me!” whispers the horse to the timid lesbian afraid to explore the world. Nay, the horse nays, “Come shoo the flies from my gargantuan nostrils and shovel up my sloppy joes [like you’ll do for the rest of your life in this shit patriarchy]!"

Hi-Ho, Silver! Away!

For Professor Crandall’s current project, Breeder’s Digest.

Comments [9]

yonks's picture

I haven't manage to read the

I haven't manage to read the script. Larvatus prodeo? i would never had think that of you! Professor Crandid.

I would love to see you in france for a french threats, i think you'r tough enough.
Hug (if you don't mind being hug by a skunk)

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Prof C's picture

this is unbelievable!!!

this is unbelievable!!!

Prof C's picture

Oh no! Stop with your French

Oh no! Stop with your French i'm really in trouble!

That's my "tattoo for the French people"--the script is a young Descartes' motto: Larvatus Prodeo! I'm so tough, no?

yonks's picture

Prof Crandall!!! i wont let

Prof Crandall!!! i wont let you go with that lily flower, i have ways to make you talk ( it cames from my feminine side)

I can drop you in t-shirt in some not Quebec-friendly town in Alberta, Or in France, in a 14 of july, the Bastille day.

Or worst, in France in a demonstration of "still alive" french royalists and they will think you'r with them

héhéhé i'm so cruel :twisted:

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

LongBeachDogLover's picture

Hummmm...... I think that

Hummmm...... I think that they should show that commercial here in Los Angeles so I can see just how disgusting, and nauseating it is.

I'm simply appalled...Of course, I may have to watch it several times for the full, horrifying effect to be realized.

Adjusting my rabbit ears,

P.S. Did you say....."fake boobs bouncing in slow motion (Baywatch style)"?? what an awesome awful vision. Shock

minniesota's picture

I need to see how they do

I need to see how they do that rugby ball. Wink

Still searching for the right brainy quote.

Xanadu's picture

Brings to mind recent ads

Brings to mind recent ads here in NZ for Burger King, that were removed after complaints (from women).

A group of girls, galloping horseback along the beach (in bikinis) -fake boobs bouncing in slow motion (Baywatch style) ...

They pass a rugby ball back and forth (as we all do, whilst horse riding) ...

Then two girls come together and take a bite out of the 'Double Whopper' burger (cue girl on girl group sex overtones) ... yes - all of this happened while they were on horseback (these were multi-tasking girls).

I have added BK to my boycott list.

CA_Medicine_Woman's picture

God, now I really miss my

God, now I really miss my horses.

minniesota's picture

This blog tugged on my rein

This blog tugged on my rein as I'm currently rereading, Seabiscuit: An American Legend, by Laura Hillenbrand.

Still searching for the right brainy quote.