I Will Always Love You

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I Will Always Love You

Will I always love you? I'm built that way but if you fight me hard enough, I might eventually surrender and stop caring.

What is my love? Is it merely my need for you? Do I need to need you in order to love? Do I purposefully place myself in positions of distress, aka tempt Fate, so that you can rescue me? When you realize what I've tricked you into, are you contemptuous or do you enjoy the role of protectress? do you try to get me to grow up, or do you indulge and infantilize me?

I'm a Romantic, I've been told. I'm not sure what that means or what they mean when they say it, other than they're not. I love Keats. Does that make me a Romantic? His "Ode to Melancholy" (1884) is the best heartbreak advice in the Western tradition: when you're unhappy, don't shut down, glut thy sorrow on a morning rose, or feed deep, deep upon your girlfriend's peerless eyes.

Keats isn't sappy, he's mystic. He knows, he feels, he suffers, he celebrates the closeness of pleasure to pain, communion to absence. For the latter, you must read "Ode to a Nightingale" (1884) again. I first read him in my high school library, age 15, and I tell you, these poems increase in value with age. They go right to the heart, exquisitely. They make language look good.

Am I in the same league with John Keats? Or is my so-called Romanticism merely a shield for an inability to take care of myself based in an even deeper layer of self-loathing that needs you to reassure me I'm less than one hundred percent despicable, at least part of the time? Keats yearns, he cherishes, he measures the distance from Beauty to hard reality. He's no dope.

Maybe being born in Southern California, taken at a tender age to Disneyland, raised by a bohemian mother under the spell of Hollywood, rendered me insensible to hard reality. Maybe my Romanticism's a distraction that prevents me from living my life; Keats my high-art drug of choice. Drenched in fantasy, I can't see you as you are, so no relationship is possible. You're fodder for my dreams.

lindssam

Lindsay Lohan merges with Samathan Ronson, May 2008.

At least I'm not alone in my failure to love. Lindsay Lohan has been making a fool of herself over that little rodent Samantha Ronson. Every time I see a picture of the two of them together my mouth drops open in disbelief. Girls will fall in love with anything! I'm appalled for La Lohan, who's such a talented comedienne and may be on her way to becoming a dramatic actress if she keeps this up, but she needs to flush this weasel out of her system and get herself some acting work, preferably onstage. The stage could cure her via its strange mix of discipline and demons plus repertoire, because the tripe she gets cast in in Hollywood would drive anyone of any sensibility mad.

We could both take a lesson from Dolly Parton, who might sing about love but puts work first. The Tennessee nightingale's about to open her first Broadway musical, based on the 1980 film 9 to 5, about three women who hogtie their "sexist, egotistical, lyin', hypocritical bigot of a boss" in feminist-fueled fury. For the occasion, Dolly has been brilliantly profiled by Jesse Green in New York magazine.

Miss Dolly Parton sings the title of this blog, 1974.



Comments [233]

x's picture

Should I be the blogger???

Should I be the blogger???

Erin Blackwell's picture

x i admire your persistence.

x
i admire your persistence. you're like a spider in a good way.

Xanadu's picture

*****CRAZYTOWN

*****CRAZYTOWN ALERT******

'X' I am not responding to you anymore.

Xanadu's picture

For the record: I regret

For the record: I regret this comment ... I mean, I don't even know this person ...

However I still think 'x' is bordering on a celebrity obsession .... 'x' appeared to say she had been blocked from S & L's MySpace and Twitter.

I'm curious to know how 'x' found VP? - Living in Russia.

Erin Blackwell's picture

x you're not crazy, you're

x
you're not crazy, you're russian. your comments have been blocked because they're too long, your english is good but confusing, you have many philosophical questions only you can answer.

x's picture

http://unterekless.com/2009/0

Not2Taem's picture

:lol: :lol: :lol: Welcome to

Laughing out loud :lol: Laughing out loud

Welcome to the international gayborhood, X.

x's picture

Hey, where can I find the

Hey, where can I find the worthy beautiful (inside) NYer (woman has the props)..

Erin Blackwell's picture

here's a good example of

here's a good example of something you say in english that makes absolutely no sense because of the language barrier.

Not2Taem's picture

Really? I got it. But the

Really? I got it. But the only ladies I know in NY are straight.

Xanadu's picture

I'll admit even I laughed at

I'll admit even I laughed at that! Laughing out loud

x's picture

You all here about the "love"

You all here about the "love" matter, I say Lindsay Lohan is just the HERO, I cannot escape from her charm and power to love her "babita"..who else can call Samantha Ronson as babita? This is the very interesting real novel. Can you write about Lindsay? Also - about Samantha, what education she has had and how she was bringing up, royal unroyal street guys lover. She even doesn't color her hair!

Erin Blackwell's picture

dear x love your name. yes,

dear x

love your name.
yes, the Lindsay-Samantha Saga is amazing, even for Americans. we've never had this Star-Crossed Celebrity Lesbian Lovers mania brought to us by paparazzi or however the italians spell it.
ok, i'll write more about LLSR. thanks for reading!

e b

x's picture

Dear Erin, It was really

Dear Erin,

It was really mania worldwide, I have been searching www.wikio.com or in blogs everyday since fall. I was in touch with Samantha and even Lindsay (it means they replied to me via My Space). Now where I am - do I love Samantha Ronson deeply even after the day by day blocking me from her side. Do I love her as a sister? Or like the motherly lover? Both. Look my twitter, I just "work as Samantha Ronson e-lover", like it was with Madonna. I feel happy. I feel a crimer, prisoner, lier to my mother. And, I feel I can be above all this, I can be a LADY (Like Mary Poppins, my beloved story), to find a respect to my partner, not just the basic instinst. Is it a value - to think about your family, about your mother - not to break their hearts - to raise to follow the other values even Catholicism, we the Russian feel a GOD inside (The War and the Peace by Lev Tolstoy), to be humble to live for some high value, goal --not for your basic instinst, we are the not animals; the Saints can live without sex, they can live with unconditional love, Mother Teresa is the HERO, example. Maybe I am too.

I don’t want them together. She has thrown her away. You will not hurt your special person, she has done not one time, many times, are you blind? When a family is againts even. A mother will not be againt of the her child happiness. I am not new bi or gay, look my http://www.twitter.com/er0708, I am fighting and when I have sent her a mail with title: you are not gay, she has open it. This very hard issue; here in Russia it is a huge sin. But in Moscow they have gay and lesbian clubs, one 40 y.o.RE CEO has been killed (very unhumanian way - in parts)by her 30 y.o. lover when she wanted to start brand new life without her. So, make the story about it. The real estate agency “МИАМ”. Also my twitter.com/DiplomatArtist. Being same-sex sexuality is the total freedom, what is untivalue. You mix it with compassion. Every person can overcome it. I feel myself as a crimer, feel myself humiliated, I am happy that I can reflact this emotions via your site. Maybe if someone falls in love with me (like Samantha Ronson) I will consider to be loved by person not sex (man or woman). But my mother and Granny will cancel any relationship in that case.

This is like the "Devil's Advocate" fight: you always have the right angelic choice.

Yours sincerely,

FOREIGNER

Erin Blackwell's picture

dear x you're struggling

dear x

you're struggling with very difficult demons. sometimes the church is the biggest demon of all. this is a very hard knot to untie. it takes time and patience. no one ever really gets it right.

you are not a criminal. you are not a criminal. but yes, it's humiliating. because you have dignity as a person.

don't try to figure it all out TODAY.

x's picture

Dear Erin, I have seen a

Dear Erin,

I have seen a movie again with Bette Davis!!! She at the movie had given the birth to the child of her beloved man; then--gone travelling in order to save her beloved man's FAMILY (VALUES!)--the ill invalid wife dead--and they are happy together.

Yes, the religion is in my blood. As well as in Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan, isn't it? They are not hippie or "criminals" who live with the total freedom.

Look at Samantha Ronson's twitter today --she is in Manila, that is the Muslim nation to live. It is striking how they are the Asians but the Muslims. It means yes, we can build the gay nation as it was bult the Communism all around the world, but with years, when the people can communicate totaly and FIND FRIENDS and themselves --there would be no need for the fighting for the same-sex marriages.

If you will see my twitter today jotemcarmen, so she has blocked me again for the wrong meaning--I want to ask her to express her feelings how she to come to the idea she is gay and wanted to fight for this--but I said "to the end point"...wrong meaning...Look my twitter, please, you will see online how I fight with my demons and win it. I would say as I am alone in heart, I want to have the substitute of the family, mother, father and sister in one person. I think in Asia the parents choose their children wife/husband; they love their children, I think it has the sense. It is better then the total passion and no respect.

Yes, I always will be humiliated as the whole world is against the not straight sexuality, I am sensitive, I feel naturally the beauty of the person.

You suggest, don't try to figure out it today--when--in 20 years? Like now in the USA--the pick of the same-sex marriages?

The USA is the big mix of the values what is the value to feel the compassion to each other.

Truly, I am so unhappy was all that 10 years--slave. In our religion to be a slave of our life is normal, as to run your cross, to challenge the troubles by hope and compassion. But, also, my generation is about the Western values too.

So, where I can find the interesting people with the not straight sexual orientation? Can you organize the site? I want just to feel it, but I know I can live without it.

Erin Blackwell's picture

1. i cannot organize the

1. i cannot organize the ideal fabulous fascinating lesbian site. sorry. i can only change the world one blog at a time.

2. i would love to argue all points in great detail but it's too much... trouble, takes too much time. i need vodka for that.

3. your problems are existential. we all have these problems. every one of us. they're not easy to solve. read chekhov. "happiness is not for us."

4. for specifically gay problems, you have to go somewhere you can meet real people. you can overcome gay shame. that's what gay pride parades are for. solutions exist. therapy works too.

5. neither SR nor LL have the weight of culture and tradition you have. they don't have "religion" in the same way. they don't have the same demons.

6. bette davis movies help in all sorts of ways science doesn't understand.

7. you'll be fine. but if you want to comment on this site, you have to calm down and write shorter comments.

Not2Taem's picture

Well done, counselor. :D

Well done, counselor. Laughing out loud

x's picture

My heart is broken, as I

My heart is broken, as I don't see the light there; you can not say - mother, look I want to love that girl..you, Americans take for granted what you have, the most of the world has no IT!

yonks's picture

where are you from?

where are you from?

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Xanadu's picture

I'm thinking English - second

I'm thinking English - second language?

x's picture

Russia

Russia

Xanadu's picture

Hi I've heard you're not

Hi

I've heard you're not allowed to have Gay Pride marches etc. in Russia. It's been on the News. What part of Russia do you live? What is it like for you there?

x's picture

I LOVE SAMANTHA RONSON!

I LOVE SAMANTHA RONSON!

Xanadu's picture

For ERIN (down under) "LL

For ERIN (down under)

"LL was useful prop who's outworn her usefulness"

I'm offended by that statement, Erin ... Samantha's spent YEARS with Lindsay - more years than the media are aware of.

Sam has put up with Lindsay's father and his insults through the tabloids, she visited Lindsay when she was in Rehab in Utah, she's been through the generational drama gap, that comes with dating someone in their late teens/early 20's.

You're suggesting Sam has no feelings for Lindsay and was just using her to further herself all these years.

We could argue - oops, I mean have a healthy debate about this for days, but I'm tired.

P.S. I had $$$$$$$ in the bank, I too would have hundreds of pairs of shoes. I guess that makes me narcissistic!

*Xanadu - The Narcissistic Lesbian Shoe Lover*

Not2Taem's picture

Only lesbian shoes? :razz:

Only lesbian shoes? :razz:

Xanadu's picture

A mixture actually, lesbian

A mixture actually, lesbian shoes; impractical straight girl shoes; boots ... lets face it - lesbian shoes don't come in many styles!

yonks's picture

I want to be a woman's shoes

I want to be a woman's shoes seller, so i can be down on lady's feet all day long...

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

lmz's picture

can be a hard job

yonks's picture

you'r a dream wrecker too.

you'r a dream wrecker too.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

lmz's picture

i may be just jealous

Xanadu's picture

It's a nice fantasy, but some

It's a nice fantasy, but some feet would not be pleasant ... :eek: Just saying!

yonks's picture

you'r a dream wrecker :(

you'r a dream wrecker Sad

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

LongBeachDogLover's picture

I would love to go down on a

I would love to go down on a lady all day...........
Oh, did you day feet Yonks??

Nevermind. Shock

yonks's picture

"I would love to go down on a

"I would love to go down on a lady all day" that's an other kind of job, but, being a dyke gigolo doesen't sound bad Smile

I think my phrase lost in translation. In french, to be down the feet of someones means idolize the person.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Erin Blackwell's picture

yonks, in english: to be *at*

yonks, in english: to be *at* someone's feet

yonks's picture

"au contraire, you’re full of

"au contraire, you’re full of hope!" what make you said that?

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Erin Blackwell's picture

tu n'arrete pas de revenir

tu n'arrete pas de revenir

Erin Blackwell's picture

ton esprit bouge

ton esprit bouge

lmz's picture

tu ne me convaincras pas

tu ne me convaincras pas Wink

yonks's picture

LMZ si j'arrête pas de

LMZ si j'arrête pas de revenir, c'est un peut comme si je ne bougeais plus non?

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

lmz's picture

Yonks non le désespoir c'est

Yonks

non
le désespoir c'est quand tu ne bouges plus

yonks's picture

ça peut être aussi par

ça peut être aussi par désespoir que je reviens.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

yonks's picture

duh!

duh!

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

yonks's picture

I'm hopeless

I'm hopeless

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

Erin Blackwell's picture

au contraire, you're full of

au contraire, you're full of hope!

LongBeachDogLover's picture

You are a very romantic

You are a very romantic woman, what a beautiful quality. Smile

yonks's picture

I'm afraid, it's not very

I'm afraid, it's not very fashionable these days.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-

LongBeachDogLover's picture

Romance is never out of

Romance is never out of fashion. A sensitive, and loving soul is the gateway to a gentle lover..... and that, is what I consider romantic.

yonks's picture

I bet Itty is very

I bet Itty is very romantique.

-Do not follow me, I'M LOST-