Sex and Nonsex

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Sex and Nonsex

What the fuck is sex?

I mean it.

Before we can have a discussion, we need to define our terms.

Was it sex when my ex-since-forever gave me a massage? If not, why did it make me think of sex? The real question being, why was I stupid or insensitive enough to try to discuss with her the relationship of massage to sex that led her to stop giving me massages? And these massages were free.

My mother and I used to give each other massages. Was that sex?

3

Therapeutic sex for one: shiatsu self-massage.

When I played in the surf and swam in the sea as a kid and adolescent, was that sex? It sure felt like it. Rather, that feeling was what I wanted when I subsequently had sex. I wanted my body to feel that good.

I've never gone in for overly specifically genitalized sex. Or let's say, when I've done it badly, that's what I've perpetrated. I can't stand its being done to me. Well, okay, maybe I can. But the feeling's got to be there. What I mean is, don't try so hard and don't isolate body parts like they're not connected to everything else.

I mean, everything else.

Talk, for starters. Okay, food for starters. Then talk. Surprise me. Make me think. Demonstrate a way of being that hadn't occurred to me. It can be as simple as drinking fennel seeds and calling it tea.

Obviously, food and talk are the unbeatable combo. But when you do get around to the body, make sure it's the whole thing, every inch and speck, every corner and curl. Laminate me. Varnish me. And please don't go for results unless you really, really know what you're doing and I've already decided you can do whatever you want.

Wearing a tie has felt like sex. Walking into Whole Foods, up to the customer service counter to ask the young woman, lovely, where the chocolate-covered toffee almonds were, wow, that was a thrill. Making it her problem, my tie. What a treat.

Being onstage is maybe the greatest sex I've ever had. Sex with the audience. They stare at me, I penetrate them. Very weird and wondrous. Oh, my fellow actors? Oops. Yeah, they're there too. Maybe we're fucking each other while the audience watches and I do my damnedest to keep their eyes on me. A love bath, when properly perpetrated.

2French bombshell Eva Green's contract was "too complicated" for Lars von Trier.

So many ways to have sex. Speak French. Look at a picture of Eva Green. Isn't sex everything? Isn't everything sex?

Am I being too holistic? Or am I compensating?

The French demonstrate, and the world loves 'em for it, that pleasure, plaisir, orgasm, eroticism, can be designed into anything. Take a sip of champagne, the real stuff, in a glass designed to hold and expose the bubbles racing to explode in air. Sex. Yum yum.

Sex for me is the thrill of the flesh in the presence of Nature with a capital N, sun or rain, wind or trees. Sex is the thrill too of artifice calibrated to tease and please any of my myriad senses, including humor. A wink, a challenge, a come-hither.

Self-expression, self-exposure. Sex.

Let's take inspiration from innovative slugs.



Comments [66]

morback's picture

Thank you Erin. This a

Thank you Erin. This a marvellous blog.
The aim of love is beauty, isn't it?

A link to Isabella Rossellini's films about animals sexuality, she is a very good (and funny) teacher:
http://www.sundancechannel.com/greenporno/

Katie Liederman's picture

erin, i loved this post. it's

erin, i loved this post. it's wonderful. the equivalent to someone calling fennel seeds in hot water tea.

camomileroses's picture

"It's often just enough to be

"It's often just enough to be with someone.I don't need to touch them. Not even talk.A feeling passes between you both.You're not alone." MM

*did marilyn have a word to define these feelings? did she consciously believe these feelings were sex?
*if she never contemplated that these feelings could be categorized as sex then can someone else reading her description think her description constituted sex?
*if she knew that sex could be defined in other ways but she did not agree with that proposition,
*could we consider her description as sex even though she didn't?

* am i too abstract to make comments on this blog?

* has anyone read down to this question?

*do i ask too many questions?

Erin Blackwell's picture

ask away, just know you've

ask away, just know you've got the answers.

MM *is* SEX, as she demonstrates in this video

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-c_IzdZDyT0w/marilyn_monroe_on_jack_benn...

camomileroses's picture

i've seen that video before

i've seen that video before and i agree that marilyn's public persona/character was/is very sex-y to others (myself included) in a merriam-webster dictionary way. however my question is what did the term "sex" mean to marilyn, not to others.

Erin Blackwell's picture

since i'm not on the witness

since i'm not on the witness stand i get to answer my *own* questions.

camomileroses's picture

you're my muse not my

you're my muse not my witness.

Erin Blackwell's picture

this muse business is ROUGH.

this muse business is ROUGH. thanks for letting me see it from the other side.

camomileroses's picture

just kidding. you're just

just kidding. you're just amusing.

camomileroses's picture

"sex" is semantics. a word

"sex" is semantics. a word is whatever you want it to represent regardless of the word others assign to that feeling/thought/act/state. a word is not the thing itself just like a map is not the place it depicts.

lmz's picture

sex and non sex on the

sex and non sex on the train
too many people, i'm sitting on the floor. she comes beside me. just beside. my eyes on her knees, her milky legs, sweet. i could touch her. she doesn't move. "so to speak" (her book). i take a picture of the three guys on the left. come back to her. I can feel her skin, her. so close to me. she doesn't move. her eyes in mine, briefly. not a word. we belong to the same place.
Thank you, lady.

Erin Blackwell's picture

ouahou

ouahou

lmz's picture

yeah

yeah

Grace Moon's picture

fornication. ... i just like

fornication.

... i just like that word.

tweet tweet @gracemoon

peacekitty's picture

Such a civilized, proper

Such a civilized, proper word.

I preferring "banging". Smile

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Steph H's picture

I preferring "shagging". Hey

I preferring "shagging".

Hey PK Smile

peacekitty's picture

lol...just noticed my typo

lol...just noticed my typo again. lol The mind works in mysterious ways (and often comical in my case).

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Steph H's picture

Tee hee. Sorry - couldn't

Tee hee. Sorry - couldn't resist! Wink

puritan's picture

why "shagging"? like rug to

why "shagging"? like rug to rug?

lmz's picture

Erin who 's stolen your

Erin
who 's stolen your bicycle ?

Steph H's picture

Rug to rug - that's

Rug to rug - that's brilliant!

It's just a thing we say over here - here are a couple of examples -

"We were shagging all day."
"Fancy a shag?"

Erin Blackwell's picture

how about snogging?

how about snogging?

foxp2's picture

Who doesn't enjoy a good

Who doesn't enjoy a good swiving from time to time?

Erin Blackwell's picture

beg your pardon?

beg your pardon?

foxp2's picture

Swive. A darling little 13th

Swive. A darling little 13th century verb that means copulate. Because one can never have enough terms for copulation.

Steph H's picture

Is that a question or an

Is that a question or an invitation?

Erin Blackwell's picture

one never knows do one?

one never knows do one?

Erin Blackwell's picture

i thought you'd never ask

i thought you'd never ask

Steph H's picture

Is this sex?

Is this sex?

peacekitty's picture

"Shagging! Yeah baby, yeah."

"Shagging! Yeah baby, yeah." lol

Great word. Hi Steph. Smile

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Steph H's picture

It's undefinable.

It's undefinable.

lmz's picture

yeah this undefinable need to

yeah
this undefinable need to belong to ...

dlcottage's picture

sex ? I don't think I could

sex ? I don't think I could have sex hanging from a tree branch like a slug !! What if it rains? lolol

Peace out
Rosie

puritan's picture

mucous is stronger than rain

mucous is stronger than rain

LongBeachDogLover's picture

"Was it sex when my

"Was it sex when my ex-since-forever gave me a massage? If not, why did it make me think of sex? The real question being, why was I stupid or insensitive enough to try to discuss with her the relationship of massage to sex that led her to stop giving me massages?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1) Did you cum?

2) Did you cum thinking of it?

3) Did you want her to stop giving you massages because you wanted to cum?

4) Why is 'cum' spelled like that?

Robin Rigby's picture

I don't know either, but Ms.

I don't know either, but Ms. Watson hates it when people spell it that way. One of her quirks. I'd love an explanation of why it bugs her so much and as you said, LB, why it is so often spelled that way when speaking of orgasm.

mysticsmb's picture

I'm with Watson on that one.

I'm with Watson on that one. Must be a writer thing. I find it incredibly crass, and not in a good way. It brings to mind straight porn--yuck, and not the least bit sexy.

Julia Watson's picture

Because "come" is perfectly

Because "come" is perfectly fine the way it is. It's even all metaphysical and interesting as a way of describing a state of incandescent transcendence.

"Cum," on the other hand? Cheesy. And super not sexy.

peacekitty's picture

I'm with Julie too. "Cum"

I'm with Julie too. "Cum" seems crass and juvenile, and like Mystics said...like something out of straight porn. Yuck.

Glad to see I'm not the only one who feels that way.

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Julia Watson's picture

Ha. Well, I like straight

Ha. Well, I like straight porn and, at times, things that are "crass and juvenile," but I still don't like the word "cum."

I think it reminds me of boring, badly composed cybersexing.

peacekitty's picture

Some porn is okay but I don't

Some porn is okay but I don't get the kind produced for straight men at all. It's totally visual and dumb and it repulses me.

I saw some European gay male porn once and liked it because it was so different...unlike anything I had every seen. It wasn't gross or anything.

*It's okay for me to discuss this online as long as it's from a professional standpoint. Wink

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Erin Blackwell's picture

is that what that is?

is that what that is?

peacekitty's picture

Smart-ass. ;) xoxo - PK

Smart-ass. Wink xoxo - PK

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

Erin Blackwell's picture

whatever it is it looks good

whatever it is it looks good on you PK

Julia Watson's picture

To each her own!

To each her own!

LongBeachDogLover's picture

I don't care how it's

I don't care how it's spelled...
But, I am curious of it's origin.

From a very selfish, personal perspective:
I don't care if it's cum...
or
If it's come...
as long as I do.

K I T's picture

here you

here you go
http://archives.stupidquestion.net/sq10603.html

and your welcum come

peacekitty's picture

The first time I saw it

The first time I saw it spelled that way was 25 years ago when the band Quiet Riot put out the song "Cum on Feel the Noize"..girls rock your boys..yadda yadda.

It was horny 16-year-old juvenile boy rock band stuff. I guess I've carried that definition with me since then.

"Fight Prime Time. Read a Book"

LongBeachDogLover's picture

Isn't it odd how we can

Isn't it odd how we can retain so much 'brain debris' from the past....

Erin Blackwell's picture

4) short for cumberbun,

4) short for cumberbun, corruption of cucumber

3) i was curious for her insights into energy, how massage might move energy the way say orgasm does, but she went into some private freakout zone. verbalization isn't her forte, which is why she does massage.

1) the massages were deeply healing and i'm grateful for them