Hump Day: Putting the Fist Back into the Women’s Symbol

Two things made me queer. The first was books. I studied Women’s Studies and Queer Theory at Sarah Lawrence College in the early '90s and was trained in Irigaray, Butler, Nestle and Foucault.

I have been a feminist since the age of 9, but the SLC reading list opened up a new world to me. What pushed me over the edge was fisting. She was a super-hot butch who thought my “coming out” needed to be hurried up a bit. I was one of those “straight” girls who spent all her time with dykes, but was still using boys as human vibrators.

This butch had had enough of talk. We were in my dorm room working on a political manifesta. I was at the computer. She was on my bed. I heard the clink of her big chunky silver rings coming off. My heart started to race. Sure, I’d had my share of drunken make-out sessions with girls, I was at Sarah Lawrence after all, but so far it had been soft and sloppy and, well, hadn’t done it for me. Until this one – smart, political and did I mention super-hot butch?

She said something like, “this has gone on long enough,” and the rest is a blur. But I can tell you this: My first queer sex was not pretty or slow or sweet. It was hard and rough and involved another person’s entire arm being shoved into my vagina. Repeatedly. Like a human puppet but with me on all fours, crying, feeling like I was peeing and then screaming for Jesus. And I don’t even believe in G-d.

The thing about fisting is that it really is a misnomer. You can’t really start off in a fist. You can’t come across the room waving your fist at some girl and think that’s sexy. That’s more like a hate crime. It’s more of a twisting lobster claw, a wet maneuvering, a strong coaxing, a good pushing, a tight squeezing. When you do get into an actual fist (best done inside) and make it past that bone on your thumb (maybe even the bone on your wrist if you’re real good) and you get sucked in and she’s crying and you’re saying “let it out baby…let it out” and your arm is starting to burn at the shoulder, well, then you’ve really brought your Women’s Studies classes to a new edge. Putting the fist back into the women’s symbol – one finger at a time.

Jessica Halem is a stand-up comic and political activist. She can be found traveling the country performing at colleges, comedy clubs and bar mitzvahs. Follow her on Twitter or Facebook or via dirty texts at: jessicahalem.com.