I've Got A Fire You Can Put Out

I recognized the sound of the fire truck even before I opened the gate. There is that distinctive rumbling that isn’t the mail or recycling pick-up. When you live on the edge like me, you have your fair share of fire department needs.

The doorbell was buzzing as I got out dripping from my much needed post-cleaning the entire house shower. While I really enjoy a day of cleaning, I might most enjoy the OCD like scrubbing I give my body after. I was loofahed pink, slathered in fragrant lotion, flossed minty, deep conditioned, nail clipped, bush trimmed perfection.

Perfect time for a gang-bang, don’t you think? Did I mention my house was spotless?

Alas, the fire truck was full of my city’s finest young men who would have made any straight girl happy.  I have fierce working class loyalty and I do not fetishize. But that doesn’t mean a truck full of hot butch dyke and tranny firefighters wouldn’t thrill my Marxist heart and porn loving soul.

How exactly would I make it happen? What if I had opened the gate in my robe (only this time I would have grabbed the silk one) and it was my dream queer fire department there to rescue me? (Note to my feminist self – I know I don’t need “rescuing”, this is just a fantasy.)

First, we’d have to ascertain that there was no real fire or real emergency and those services weren’t needed. I wouldn’t want to take the spot of someone in real need. Would I say something like: “I have a fire you can put out.” Does that make it clear I mean my pussy is wet? Or does that sound like I have some sort of infection?

You know with a group of queers in my house one of them would be allergic to the cat and start sneezing. One would be in a monogamous relationship and have to leave. One would be on anti-depressants and not want to have sex. One wouldn’t be into femmes. One would get obsessed with my iTunes trying to find the perfect album for said gang-bang. And the only one left would be too shy to make a move.

I wish I had more faith that if a truck full of hot butch dyke and tranny firefighters showed up at my door that the universe would right itself and we’d all know this was the perfect time for a Marxist, feminist, dirty (yet spotless clean) gang-bang.

That’s the universe I want to live in.
 

Jessica Halem is a stand-up comic based out of New Orleans. She is currently touring her one-woman show “Everybody Likes You” and looking to come to your city. Find out more at jessicahalem.com.