A Lesbian Guide to New York Nightlife

You just came out, you’re new to the city, you’re visiting the city, you have lived here and been out for ten years and you’re pissed because “the scene sucks” and “there’s nothing to do.” Guess what, you have options in the most gay-populated, epically chaotic city of bizarre adventure in the world. I came out while attending a tiny liberal arts college with a gay community that consisted of like ten chain- smoking hipster lesbians who scoffed if you didn’t wear skinny jeans and could create dyke drama better than Ilene Chaiken could write it. It took about a week of college lesbianage before I knew I had to find “the scene” elsewhere, as in the city that was a train ride away for me.

I went to Pantyhos Party at Public Assembly in Brooklyn, stumbled upon via Facebook. I drank whiskey. I had long hair. I ended the night by trying to dance like Jay-Z onstage in front of a mass of gyrating lesbians and making out with a confused straight girl who had come for a dubstep show on the wrong night. All it took was the first party, and from there it became fairly easy to fall into the swing of things.

You would think that the destinations would be bars. Lesbians, if you want to find a hookup, a girlfriend, a new homo posse, if you just want to be around fellow gays, or enjoy the nightlife of New York City, gay bars are not the answer- the rotating gay parties at perhaps often straight, though queer- friendly venues- those are the answer. There will be dancing. There is a sense of the party’s fleetingness, there is openness, there are drink specials.

Choice Cunts:
Thrown by Ellie Conant, who knows every homosexual in New York and probably the tri-state area. She can light a match with one hand, and has a faux-hawk with blue streaks in it. This party attracts the hipster lesbians, who like to be androgynous, often dye their hair jet black, and have their pictures taken against the neon walls of Santos Party House by Maro Hagopian, whose bright, harsh style is now identifiable in a millisecond and defines the bold, expressive, sexy vibe of Choice. There are DJs like DJ Angel Boi and Lez Van Halen who spin the kind of music you actually want to dance to and attending will probably result in hooking up.

There are go-go dancers. Reason enough, am I right or am I right? Chloe Sevigny went, Deak Evgenikos, Kim Stolz, and probably some other famous lesbians. This is totes the party that Shane would go to, if she were a real actual person, and a lot of the girls there are trying to be her, if that’s what you’re into. Ellie, also known as The Gaysha, also is part of the collective that runs Snapshot, which happens on Tuesdays at Bar 13 in Union Square. Snapshot is fun and relaxed, set in a big space with a lot of room for dancing, though the party often ends up on the roof for smoking and schmoozing. This party seems good for networking and can make for a reliable staple if you feel like checking in somewhere on a Tuesday. They’re famous for their Pride Party, which was insane and packed and felt like a European rave this year even though maybe it was just the particular condition that I was in. I don’t know. I recall strobe lights.

Crème De La Femme and Stiletto:
This is every Wednesday, thrown by Maggie C, who is maybe the femme yin to Ellie’s rock and roll yang. She’s glamorous and girls tend to wear satin and heels to her party, where there’s bottle service and the DJs are models by day. It goes down in the basement of Union Square Lounge, and couches line the walls.  You go to hang out, lounge with friends, and dance to top 40 songs when the ten dollar cocktails kick in. The lights are purple and pink and you feel like you’re in a super gay version of Sex in the City. Maggie also runs Stiletto, which is every Sunday in the cabanas of The Maritime Hotel.

This is the least social party that also manages to remain awesome, perhaps for the same reason. It’s classy as hell, a “Bette and Tina Party,” if you will. Power lesbians hang out in the cabanas of an expensive Chelsea hotel pool with their friends to drink and talk before a big week.  Lacey and Jessica of Afterellen.com vlogging fame hang there, and Queen Latifah apparently went once or twice. It runs during the day until midnight and they have food. Their goat cheese flatbreads would be a wise choice, by the way. This is the place to take a date. She’s not going to get hit on; if you want to meet people, it’s doable by dancing because there is a sort of low-volume DJ, or by hanging around the upscale bar, but here you can sit in the couches, be around other ladies without the paranoia that one of them is going to scoop away your woman, and get to know each other in a stylish and placid setting.

Girls Girls Girls at The Metropolitan:
This is girls night, which is on Wednesday Nights at The Metropolitan, which is off the Lorimer stop on the L train in Brooklyn. I don’t know if I should write about it. I will not do it justice. This is the perfect gay bar. I don’t know if I’m a good enough writer to sufficiently outline its perfection. It’s mellow, the people are smiley, the PBRs are two bucks, there’s a patio out back for smoking your Newports and stalking your bar crush who can really rock a leather jacket and taking an enthralling conversation about Judith Butler to somewhere more quiet and just being under an open night sky and feeling awesome about being gay and in New York.

There is always a good DJ (frequently Tami Hart) who will inevitably play “My Neck My Back” by Khia, everyone will be laughing and dancing by two AM, a pool table, happy homos and very little snobbery. Come here to make friends, make out, to sip on one drink or five, to have a birthday party, or to check your email. I’ve done it. They have free wireless. It’s not so good for the girls on any night that’s not Wednesday, but I’ve been going every week since February  of last year and never once left not beaming.