"Nothing Comes Easy": Kholi Takes Your Questions

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"Nothing Comes Easy": Kholi Takes Your Questions

will know it resolutely in your heart and mind. If you do not feel these things: you are not done.

Q: Is it time for me to move on?

A: How the hell am I supposed to know?!

Your girlfriend. Your relationhip. Your emotions. Your journey. Not mine.

The only person who knows when and if it’s time for you to move on is you.

But I can guarantee you: if you don’t know, you’re not ready.

Q: What happens if I move on too early?

A: Worst case scenario? You wake up one morning, years from now, turn over and look at the person lying next to you, and utter the most annoying words ever: “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” Then, you freeze. You freeze because you realize that the consequences of your consistently overzealous desire to love and be loved is that you now have to inform your international adopted love children, and the dog, and the parakeet, and the landlord, and the nosy neighbor, and both of your mothers (because you know that your lover won’t do it), that you somehow made a mistake.

But you won’t even be honest about that. You’ll concoct some sorry excuse of how you “just grew apart” when in fact, you were never even growing together. Not in a real sense. You were merely going through the motions of what you had once desired to do with another.

Best case scenario? You move on and get your sh*t together rather quickly—fixing all the “you issues” that were made so apparent in your last relationship. Luckily, the person that you so quickly moved on to has her own issues. And she doesn’t want the new and improved you. She only wants the old you. In fact, she’s only attracted to broken girls who need a particular type of “save a silly heaux” healing. So, she breaks up with you.

No worries. It’s not you it’s her.

When she leaves, you just happen to realize that you were never really in love with her, but more so, in love with how she didn’t make you feel like the last one did. Now, you realize that you didn’t make her feel how you made the last one feel either. This is it! You’ve figured it out! Go you! Luckily, you’re still in love and now that you’ve got it all together, you want to make it work—with the last one. For your sake, I hope the last one’s still single. If she is, that means she’s a little smarter than you. This makes her a keeper. Go get her, honey! While you’re at it, hope she hasn’t built up an impenetrable wall of resentment against you after having been forced to live without you and watch you live out the life you all planned together while dating someone else. 

Real scenario? Honey, I don’t have the answers. You loves go through more craziness than I can keep up with … and trust me … that says a lot. What I do know is that in real life, there are a few things that we need to keep I mind.

(Feel free to go get your journal … or copy and paste … whatever works for you.)

In real life and real love:

  • There are second chances—but they are seldom. Make the most of what you have the first time around.
  • If you’re not done, don’t pretend to be. It is a very real thing to “need a break” or space or time. Communicate these needs to your partner. Create understanding and safety around these needs. This is how you begin to make it work.
  • If you are done, move on—without fear. Do not backtrack. Do not falter. Do not make it harder on yourself than it has to be.
  • Nothing is easy. Not staying. Not going. Don’t chase the feeling. Chase the desired outcome.

In the meantime,