Okay, people. It’s the end of an era! Eight episodes and counting, and here we go…
Okay, people. It’s the end of an era! Eight episodes and counting, and here we go…
We’ve got lights and sirens at the Porter-Kennard household and Xena, Warrior Detective is on the scene. Bette, Tina, Alice, Shane, Kit and Helena, along with little Angie Portard, sit inside, dazed, horrified as Jenny Schecter’s lifeless body is wheeled through the living room.
I’m calling it right now: Jenny, in the solarium, with the candlestick! I think Jenny decides to off herself and frame her former friends for the deed as a parting gift.
Three months earlier…
Back at the Lez Girls wrap party, we revisit the scene of last season’s lesbro code violation: Shane has humped her best friend’s lady. In public. On a hotel veranda. And gotten caught. Oops. Jenny gazes at the two of them (but mostly, notably, Shane) and announces: “You’ve broken my heart.”
Jenny peals out of there in her car, Shane in hot pursuit and Nikki not far behind. A three-way car chase? Not exactly the kind of ménage one would hope for with these three, but let’s go with it. At the house, Jenny relents and listens as Shane pours her heart out, begging for forgiveness. Nikki occasionally interjects with non sequiturs (“Poor Tiffy!”) and helpful tidbits such as, “Jenny, she only ate me out!”
Meanwhile, Tasha has decided to throw in the towel and leave Alice. They argue over whether they really have anything in common other than raw passion, rancor and lethal quantities of cuteness.
Back in Dramatown, U.S.A., Shane finally tells Nikki to shut up (And the crowd goes wild!), but it’s too late; Jenny has heard enough and begins chucking random objects at them, screaming at the two of them to get out. Jenny, to the newly homeless Shane: “I’ll let you know when’s a good time to come back and get your skanky shit!”
Shane flees to Bette and Tina’s, asking if she can sleep over. She confesses to Bette that she really loves Molly (Aww. I heart Sholly.) and that she has been faithful to her, too. (Except for that whole banging Nikki in public thing, right, Shane?)
At the joint formerly known as SheBar, the writers shamelessly pander to the fans with some shippy, slashy cheesiness, as partners Kit and Helena practice smushing their names together, trying to decide what to call their new business. They settle on: The Hit Club. Countdown to awkward, gratuitous Fight Club reference in t-minus 5, 4, 3, 2,…
Back at Chez Portard… dust off that high horse, baby; Tina rides again! She lays into Bette, uh, I mean Shane about the sanctity of monogamy before all those hours and hours of therapy kick in, and she fesses up to her own issues. Tina tells Shane she can still stay the night, but Shane flees the scene… out of the frying pan and into dyke drama hellfire! Shane, toting what remains to her of her worldly belongings in a Whole Foods bag, shows up on Alice’s doorstep next, again, asking for a place to spend the night, but Alice and Tasha are still in the middle of breaking up. Tasha jumps on her motorcycle and rides off, Alice chasing after her in the car.
Back at Jenny’s, Molly has shown up looking for Shane, to profess her love. (Aww. ) Jenny seizes her moment, elaborating on the evening’s events and painting Shane in the worst light possible. Molly, crushed, returns Shane’s jacket, asking Jenny to make sure Shane gets the letter she has written to her and placed in the inside pocket. After Molly has left, Jenny reads a few lines of the letter. A jealously vindictive Jenny hides the jacket, letter still tucked inside it, up in the attic. (It’s possible she’s just pissed that Molly appears to be a better writer than her.)
Meanwhile, after being reared by a wild pack of wolves while off-screen for most of last season, little Angie Portard has fallen ill. With the adorable tyke running a dangerously high temperature, her mothers rush her to the ER, where they are met with an intake nurse who clearly missed the hospital’s same-sex families sensitivity training. In top form, the exasperated Mama B lays into the lady, reminding me that no episode of this show is complete without an angry lesbian rant. And really, who does it quite like Alpha Bette? Nobody, that’s who.
Shane wanders the streets of L.A., hugging her Whole Foods sack forlornly, and runs into — of all people — Nikki, who has a large entourage in tow to boot. Nikki hangs all over poor, miserable Shane, flirting shamelessly — until Nikki gets a booty call from Jenny.
Alice is still chasing Tasha, all the way to… Papi’s place?! Gamely, the writers take a moment to make fun of their own show, as Alice calls up to Papi, perplexed, “I thought you’d left town, or gotten arrested by some cop whose wife you’d slept with!” Us too, Alice. Us, too. Excuse me. Did I say they were at Papi’s place? I meant they had arrived in Alice’s own personal hell. Papi’s conquest of the evening? None other than Alice’s evil ex, Gabby Deveaux, sporting the most impressively whack JBF ‘do I think I have ever laid eyes on.
Nikki arrives at Jenny’s, where she proves stupid enough to let herself be seduced by an angry, domineering Schecter. This cannot end well!
Back at Papi’s, Alice reveals herself (again) to be a culturally insensitive snob, but succeeds in talking Tasha into going back home with her, backed by a soundtrack of increasingly porno-mockumenary-worthy moans and groans from Papi and Gabby. Seriously. You can almost hear Janina Gavankar and Guin Turner cracking themselves up back there.
Little Angie Portard’s high fever having proven to be a false alarm, Bette and Tina share an ominously sweet moment in the car: Bette promises to be faithful to Tina forevermore. What’s that? Is it the sound of Ilene Chaiken throwing down the gauntlet?
Shane, shit-faced and half-passed out at the newly dubbed Hit Club, is taken home and put up for the night by Kit, who urges her to fight for her friendship with Jenny.
Alice and Tasha decide to try couple’s counseling, and Tasha insists that they refrain from getting it on until they figure out whether they’re going to stay together or not.
Nikki wakes up the next morning, lost in a sea of pristinely off-white sheets. Okay. This has to be it, right?! She rolls over to find… a bloody horse’s head! No, worse. It’s Jenny! Nikki whispers sweet-morning-after-nothings as the Schecter pets her, luring her in like a spider does a fly. “It was so sweet, last night,” Nikki breathes, “the way you said I had broken your heart.” Jenny, coolly: “Oh, you didn’t break my heart. I wasn’t talking about you, darling.”
At The Planet, Shane tries again to get Jenny to talk to her, but to no avail. Jenny gets up and moves to a different table, Tina and Tasha following her, while Alice and Bette take pity on Shane. The group has splintered, fractured. Are the fault lines foreshadowed here doomed to reduce these relationships to rubble? Or will they all come back together again? Who killed Jenny Schecter? And perhaps most importantly, what’s really in Shane’s Whole Foods bag? Wanna know the answer to all these burning questions, and so much more? Tune in again next week…
Watch 601:
Watch 602 Here.
