Welcome to West Beverly High, where the emotional maturity level of our lez-be-frenz has been secretly replaced with that of 15-year-olds! This week, on a very special episode of The L Word…
Welcome to West Beverly High, where the emotional maturity level of our lez-be-frenz has been secretly replaced with that of 15-year-olds! This week, on a very special episode of The L Word…
Stung by the revelation that their last night together was naught but a grudge fuck, a raccoon-eyed Niki rants to her entourage about the evils of Jenny. (Preach!) One unlucky hanger-on says the wrong thing and gets her partying pink slip by way of being booted from Niki’s five. (Poor Tiffy!) Oh, yeah — and Niki threatens Jenny’s life: “You’re dead meat, Schecter. Dead!” ‘Least Likely’ indeed.
At The Planet, Helena and Kit are hard at work, decked out in matching geek-chic glasses. (Oh, Rachel Maddow! You have made nerdiness so sexy in the feasting halls of our people that your influence has spread all the way to Glamazonia!) Nearby, Jenny and Alice sit across from one another at dueling laptops. The Schecter watches Shane’s arrival with a vacant, put-upon expression. Shane has made Jenny some waffles of EPIC FAIL as a peace offering, but Jenny dumps them in the garbage after a game of “I’m not speaking to you” telephone via Alice.
Bette and Tina show up and determine their seating arrangements by way of ‘rock, paper, scissors.’ Bette: “Have fun with the martyrs.” Tina: “Have fun with the cheaters.” We learn that Alice is writing a screenplay treatment; Tina volunteers Jenny to look it over for her. BFFs Tibette send each other gossipy texts about their friends from eight feet away, as Alice and Tasha put the ‘ick’ back in McBickersons. Jenny spends so much time with her mouth open in stunned dismay that I begin to wonder if that’s how she drowned. Bette and Tina announce they are planning to adopt baby Portard number two. Shane confronts Jenny, begging for forgiveness yet again, but to no avail.
Back at the homestead, Shane the indentured servant works on home improvement projects for Jenny. Max is off for his final pre-op consult.
Tina learns that Lez Girls has been retitled The Girls, and will be marketed as a hetero love story in the vein of Sex in the City. Barf. Tina’s mewling protests are met with: “Get on board, Tina. The train’s not going to lezzie town.”
On campus, at a staff meeting, Jodi basks in accolades for her vengeful art piece about Bette. Bette arrives. Awkward!
An enthusiastic Max asks his doctor if everything is set for his surgery and learns that it will have to be delayed… because he’s stolen Thomas Beatie’s life story. He’s preggers.
Jodi and Bette lock passive aggressive horns over Jodi’s art piece about Bette. Bette wants to meet with her in private to discuss it and Jodi tells her to have James schedule an appointment. Ouch. Bette heads to Phyllis’ office for a powwow about Jodi’s “inappropriate behavior,” but once there they are waylaid by… nekkid Joyce! Bette flees in horror. Nekkid Joyce pops the question and Phyllis accepts. They’re getting gay married!
Alice and the taciturn Tasha are in therapy with Dr. Dan and Alice will not SHUT UP! Don’t you miss the old Alice? Bubbly, snarky, sweet Alice? Non-annoying Alice? Me, too.
Max arrives at the clinic for his abortion appointment, facing down a transphobic clinic employee and the whispers of the other clients in the waiting room.
Jenny’s screenplay treatment turns out to be a fantasy of Shane declaring her undying love. Eeugh. The two of them seem to be back on tentative speaking terms. Double ugh.
Lesbro Dr. Dan has waved the magical processing wand and gotten Tasha and Alice to open up to one another. They are healed! Ready to bury the hatchet! Until he bursts their bubble: “You two have so little in common, I really don’t think you belong together.” They respond by having parking garage car sex. Take that, Dr. Dan!
Tom arrives at the clinic, where Max has been denied his abortion. The doctor said he was too far along at four months. No car sex conflict resolution for these two: Max, in a moment of homo (or hetero?) panic, gay-bashes his man right there in the clinic hallway, complete with “you faggot” and a swift kick to the nuts. Tom admits that he’s not ready to be a dad.
Alice and Tasha decide to make a ‘pros and cons’ list for their relationship, incorporating a complicated point system. It’s the perfect marriage of processing and lesbian math. They seem okay, for now…
Bette and Tina visit an art show at a new gallery, where the proprietress turns out to be none other than Bette’s long-lost college roommate and former crush, Jessie. I mean, Nomi. I mean Kelly Wentworth. Their reunion is peppered with profanity and ’80s slang and, just for the record, the word “biyatch” should never, ever be allowed to escape Bette’s lips again. Bette takes a break from flirting with Kelly long enough to remember to introduce Tina. Kelly: “Still a gay, eh Porter?” Again with the ugh. Poor Tina is looking all third-wheely as Bette and Kelly gaze meaningfully at one another. Batten down the hatches, Tibetters! Incoming!
Later, Jodi shows up at the gallery with her rebound girl firmly in tow. Bette gnashes her teeth and drags Jodi off for a showdown. Bette reminds her that she is, in essence, the boss of her, and that Jodi needs to stop blowing her off. Jodi bristles. Bette and Tina take their leave of Kelly, with plans for Bette to fuck around on Tina uh, meet up with her again “soon.”
At The Hit Club, the party is crashed by the prodigal Dylan. Helena plays it cool.
Tom shows up at Max’s place to apologize. He’s ready to give this “West Hollywood fag dads” thing a try after all. Max agrees to think about it.
Back at Tibette HQ, Tina confronts Bette about flirting with Kelly. Bette shuts her up with pillow-talky blandishments and jealousy sex.
Alice decides to give Dylan a piece of her mind, but finds herself unequal to the task. She is saved in the nick of time by Helena, who confronts Dylan. We learn that Dylan has come to terms with her lesboness, is still carrying a torch for Helena and wants to apologize. Oy. Helena gives her the brush off and tells her to have a good time at her club.
Dyke drama alert! Dylan leaves. Helena goes chasing after her, slamming her against a car and launching into a tirade: “… and you think you can just prance in here, tell me that you’re happy, that you’re out of the closet, tell me that you’re oh so sorry for ruining my entire fucking life!” Dylan’s rejoinder? “Thank you. Now I know you care.” Ooh. It’s on!
Having rediscovered her aloof nonchalance along with her dignity, Shane announces that she has given up and starts collecting her stuff from her and Jenny’s house. Jenny finally admits that she’s in love with Shane: “Now I’m like all those stupid girls.” They hug it out, and Shane lays a big smooch on her. Jenny kisses her back. My eyes. My EYES!
Next week: Jenny steals the film reel from the studio. Alice is in hot water at work. Jodi threatens to sue Bette for sexual harassment. And I vomit my block off as the Shenny train pulls out of the station!
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