The L Word Recap 604: Mystery Science Snoozefest 3000

“There’s no escaping it,” begins Max, at The Planet with Tom, Alice and Tasha. Is he referring to his knocked up-ness? No. He’s talking about Shenny.

“There’s no escaping it,” begins Max, at The Planet with Tom, Alice and Tasha. Is he referring to his knocked up-ness? No. He’s talking about Shenny. Tom: “At least here we don’t have to put up with squirrel grunts and monkey squeals.” Oddly enough, that is precisely how one imagines Jenny Schecter sounds mid-bang.

Excited that Tasha is “gossiping” with the group, Alice cheerily announces that they’re developing similar interests. Yeah, she’s grasping at straws the size of Texas. Something’s up.

Jenny and Shane arrive and, from the moment she opens her mouth, every word that drips forth from the maw of the Schecter beast makes me want to throw something at her. (Must be Sunday.) “How is the beautiful mother-to-be?” she croons. Max flips her off and Tom patiently explains that Max doesn’t care to be referred to as a “mother.” Jenny continues to display an appalling lack of sensitivity, referring to Max as a woman and “she.” Max leaves the table in a huff and Tom follows him.

Max cries in the bathroom, unwilling to be consoled by Babydaddy. Max: “I hate these hormones! I hate these tits and I hate these hips and I hate Jenny Schecter!” Suspect of the week quota? Filled! (I hope next week’s teaser features Sounder and Angie colluding to do Jenny in!)


At the table, Bette and Tina have arrived and we learn they’re going to Nevada to meet a birth mother about an adoption. Jenny has “an epiphany” about who stole the Lez Girls negative: gazillionaire William. For insurance scam purposes. Riiiight. Kelly Wentworth arrives and Bette leaves to meet with her. Alice continues to make a big deal out of Tasha’s involvement in the conversation; it’s condescending and weird. Kit reveals to the gang that Bette “almost killed herself” over Kelly back at Yale. Tina freaks. And to top it all off? Dylan shows up… having tricked her way into a meeting with Tina using a false name to make the appointment.

Max and Tom arrive at a swanky hotel for Lamaze class. Tom is embarrassed when Max takes off his binder in the lobby. In class, the two of them are uncomfortable, but don’t seem to be attracting much attention. But when the teacher demonstrates a vaginal massage technique on a life-size replica of a hoo-ha, Tom looks about ready to bolt.

Kelly strokes Bette’s ego while they discuss art. Dylan apologizes for her past transgressions and tells Tina she’s not there looking for a job; she says Helena is the love of her life and she’d give anything “for another chance to be with her.” Tina refuses to help her. Kelly asks for Bette’s expertise and advice in picking work to show in her gallery. Bette says no way… unless Kelly brings her on to work with her as her partner.

Busybody Alice gives Helena the lowdown on Tina’s conversation with Dylan. Godfather Jenny asks Helena what the group can offer her “by way of protection.” (Offer to be Helena’s sidekick, speaking nonstop, Jenny – you’d make a great stalker repellent!) Dylan has just moved back to L.A. from San Francisco, where she has made inroads as a gay filmmaker. Tasha, going all hotly protective of her friend, tears up Dylan’s business card.

Alice and Tasha decide to set Helena up with Jamie from the LGBT Center and Alice gets her on the phone. Jamie asks to speak with Tasha, who agrees to help her work on her new motorcycle. Dinner plans are made. Helena agrees to the set up with Jamie, but pockets Dylan’s ripped up business card when no one’s looking.

Jenny leads Shane in a rousing game of “let’s purge our closets” that turns out to really be an exercise in making a show of purging past relationships. Jenny tosses stuff reminiscent of Gene and Tim, but waxes nostalgic about her first love when she finds a scarf that reminds her of Marina. Shane humors Jenny, playing along and suggesting she get rid of the some old, unused art supplies. Jenny: “Nyet! Eez time to return to my theenly veiled mind games!” Just kidding. She didn’t say that. But this boring ass episode would be WAY more entertaining if Mia Kirshner delivered all of her lines doing an impression of Natasha from Rocky and Bullwinkle.


While they pack, Tina kvetches about the prospect of Bette working (and flirting) with Kelly. Bette: “I’m not going to spend the rest of my life on probation.” Amen, sister. Tina backs down, but says she just wishes Bette had discussed it with her before proposing the idea to Kelly. Bette reminds her that they need the money.

Back at the house, it’s Shane’s turn to toss stuff out. Shirts from “that horrible Paige era” (Ha ha!) and the still more horrible Cherie Jaffe days are given the boot, but when Jenny tries to include a few of Carmen’s old t-shirts in the “to go” pile, Shane balks. Jenny pushes, but Shane won’t budge. Shane: “I’m not throwing her away.” (Aww. Sharmen 4ever.) Jenny acquiesces gracefully for once. (For now!)

Bette and Tina have arrived with Angie in Nevada and they’re still arguing about Kelly Wentworth.

Shane and Alice are meeting for lunch, but Alice is on the phone, grinning from ear to ear, planning dinner with Jamie. They’re going to cook at Alice and Tasha’s place for group date night because “we’re all broke.” (Aww. Long live the lesbian commune.) As soon as she hangs up, Alice gushes to Shane about how “weirdly perfect” Jamie is. Shane: “Perfect for you or for Helena?” Jenny crashes lunch, much to Alice’s dismay, and commences hen-pecking Shane.

Bette and Tina meet their prospective babymama, Marci, who already has two kids and lives with her mom and stepdad because she can’t support them. But she confesses that’s not the only reason for the adoption; her parents “would freak” if they knew this baby’s father was black. Nice. On cue, the mom and the stepdad return. They question Angie’s race and biological parentage. Awkward! Even after a brief explanation of how Bette and Tina picked a donor, the parents have yet to catch on to the gay. Marci explains that they’re a couple and her mom wigs out. The stepdad asks Bette and Tina to leave.

Alice and Jamie chat while they cook. Jamie suggests that the recently unemployed Alice come and work with the kids at the Center or help with fund-raising or something. There’s definitely chemistry between these two; Alice is hanging on Jamie’s every word. But I wouldn’t put it past Ilene and crew to have Tasha and Jamie run off together, leaving Alice doubly broken-hearted and primed for Schecterocide.

At Hit Club, it’s “boys’ night.” At a lesbian club? Welcome to Backwards World! Kit and Sunset discuss Kit’s relationship history. Again. Sunset flirts with her and refers to Helena as “her lady.” Again. Enough already. We get it! Sunset wants Kit to take a ride on the Boulevard. A little forward momentum with this storyline would be great!

From the get go, it’s clear that Jamie and Helena are utterly wrong for each other.


At boys’ night, a frumpy-looking Max bristles when he catches Tom flirting with a hot guy. They argue and Tom stalks off. Kit offers Max some encouragement. Max apologizes to Tom: “All these things are happening to my body and they totally go against how I feel about myself. I guess I’m just a little scared, okay? … I know you’re going to be a great dad.” Uh oh. Tom’s answering smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

Jamie coos over old pictures of Alice as a kid. Tasha and Jamie both really want kids. Alice, as short on enthusiasm as she is sincerity, agrees that she wants “probably a bunch of ‘em,” too. Uh huh, sure. They start breaking out the board games, but Helena has had enough of slumming it at lesbo commune night and says she has to get back to work. Helena and Jamie take leave of one another awkwardly. Yeah, that’s confirmed a no go.

Helena pulls up to a house in the dark. It’s Dylan’s house! Who’s the stalker now, bitch?! Helena exits her car and RUNS over to the driveway where Dylan stands, shocked as hell. Dylan apologizes profusely for having gone to The Planet. Helena: “Have dinner with me. I’ll let you know when.” Wild-eyed, Helena backs away and flees back to her car. Helena: “Fuck!” Okay, weird. But exciting!


At Chez Loony Tunes, Jenny has a surprise for Shane: she has turned Shane’s bedroom into an office. For herself. Jenny: “I’ve been wanting an office so I didn’t have write in the kitchen anymore, and now that we’re sleeping together I just thought that this would actually be perfect.” Actually, you know those healthy “boundaries” Jenny was going on about a few episodes ago? Yeah. Not so much. Shane: “Are you putting on ‘the crazy Jenny show’ just to see how far you can push it with me?” Jenny starts packing it in. “We’re obviously at different places in our lives. I’ve ruined everything…” Shane: “Do me a favor? Don’t get all melodramatic right now, okay? Please.” (And lesbians ‘round the world cheer!) Jenny: “Do you hate me?” (Yes! YES!!!) Shane: “No.” (Goddammit.) Jenny: “Do you love me?” Shane: “I do. I love you.” Wow. It’s the first time in the history of the show Shane has ever made such a declaration, but Jenny looks unconvinced.

Back at Alice and Tasha’s, Jamie is helping them clean up. Alice suggests a dance-a-thon fundraiser and Jamie loves the idea. Alice agrees to chair the event.

Getting ready for bed, Tom calls Max on putting himself down so much. As Max begins to undress, Tom turns his back, but he watches in the window’s reflection as Max’s very pregnant body is slowly revealed. Max climbs into bed, agreeing to try and be more positive about everything, and they curl up together to go to sleep.

At the hotel, Bette and Tina commiserate about their lousy experience at the babymama interview. Bette thinks they “dodged a bullet.” Bette: “I don’t want to expose Angelica to that way of thinking.” Tina is more optimistic. A knock at the door reveals Marci, who has come to apologize. They’re the family she wants her baby boy to go to. Touched, Bette melts at the thought of having a son. Marci leaves; Bette and Tina celebrate.

Max wakes up alone. Tom’s gone, and so is his stuff.

Next week: Alice finds out that Jenny stole her screenplay idea. Jenny continues driving Shane batty. And Helena goes on a date with Dylan!

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