The L Word Recap 605: Scheck the Eff Up Already

Bette and Tina, rendered pants-optional-home-officeless by their construction project, have set up shop at The Planet where they sit side-by-side, wheeling and dealing on the phone.

Bette and Tina, rendered pants-optional-home-officeless by their construction project, have set up shop at The Planet where they sit side-by-side, wheeling and dealing on the phone. Tina ends her call and announces to the group, including Alice, the news that Jenny has just sold her latest screenplay for a cool half million. The problem? Jenny has blatantly ripped off Alice’s script treatment storyline. You know, the one Jenny called “boring and unsellable”? Ah. Nothing like a steaming cup of betrayal to start off this show!

Alice storms off, arriving at Chez Crazy Bitch where she calls Jenny out on stealing her idea. The Schecter half-heartedly denies this accusation, but admits that “this sort of thing happens all the time in Hollywood,” adding for good measure that it takes “real talent” to turn a crazy mess of ideas like Alice’s treatment into a sellable script. Shane appears and Alice tells her they can’t be friends anymore as long as she continues to “Scheck up.” Ha!


Alice arrives back at the Planet and gets goofy over a text message from Jamie. Bette and Tina inform Alice that she and Tasha are having a “third wheel crush” triangle with their new buddy. (Ya think?) They invoke the Schecter er, specter of relationships that have crumbled when one person in a couple finally decides they’ve fallen in love with the third wheel crush and decides to act on it. (Tasha! It’s going to be Tasha!)

Bitter at having no storyline to call her own more than halfway through the season, Kit spills the beans to the group about Helena’s impending date with Dylan. As good friends are wont to do, everyone freaks. Helena: “I can’t help myself. Dylan has colonized my thoughts.” No, honey. Jenny has colonized Shane’s vagina. But you do have some serious unfinished business with Ms. Moreland.

And then Alice gets an idea – an awful, terrible, WONDERFUL idea.

A plan is devised – a not-so-great lesbo caper, if you will. Dylan’s character and the truth about her feelings for Helena are to be determined by a test. Shane will get Nikki Stevens to set up a meeting with Dylan – ostensibly, to discuss a job directing Nikki’s next big movie. During the meeting, Nikki will make a pass at Dylan, while the gang watches on Hit Club’s fancy schmancy security cameras. Is Dylan still just looking for anything and anyone to advance her career? Or will she prove herself to be a changed woman after all?

Nikki agrees to the plan, but comes on to Shane big time in the process. Tina talks Jenny into impersonating Nikki’s manager on the phone to set up the meeting with Dylan. (To her credit, Jenny does a bang-up job with this phone call; it’s the only scene so far this season in which I’ve found her to be more funny than detestable.) Dutifully, Dylan calls Helena to make sure it’s okay for her to be at Hit for the meeting. Aww.

Back at the homestead, Shane mounts Jenny. Gross. Fast-forward to… Jenny learning that Shane is the one who roped Nikki into the group’s little scheme. She wigs out mega big, melodramatically forbidding Shane from seeing or speaking to Nikki ever again. Shane insists Jenny is being ridiculous and walks away, but as soon as her back is turned, Shane gives this quiet little snort of disbelief and disdain. (Ah HA! The foreshadowed seeds of Shane’s salvation have been sown!) Jenny throws a category four tantrum, insisting that since she hates Nikki, Shane should hate her too out of “loyalty.” But Shane, bless her, has had enough and tells the Schecter to back off. Jenny is forced to admit that she’s in the wrong and that she needs to learn how to trust Shane.


Tina and Bette are at dinner with Kelly and an artist who’ll be showing at the new gallery. Kelly all but barrels over Tina in her eagerness to make plain how much she rues missing her chance to hump Bette all those years ago, at one point openly referring to Bette as “the one who got away.” Classy. Kelly asks Tina if she minds the fact that she flirts outrageously with Bette right in front of her. Tina draws a line in the sand, but gives Kelly permission to do her worst. Is she being passive-aggressive, or setting up a little test of her own for Bette?

Just then Aaron and William walk into the restaurant with a couple of screenwriters that Tina has been working with on a project, clueing her in to the fact that she is officially out of the loop and very likely about to be fired. Ouch.

At Hit, Helena shows Alice the security camera room. Apparently you can zoom in to watch and listen to anything going on anywhere inside the club. (Which means there is a threesome sex tape with Shane floating around there somewhere. Sweet!) Shane and Jenny arrive with Kit and Alice makes a scene, idly threatening to kill Jenny. (In front of witnesses. In a place filled with hidden cameras and microphones. Sigh.) Nikki shows up. Helena decides to go through with the scheme. It’s on!

Nikki starts her opening gambit, buttering Dylan up. (Obscure Gilda Radner reference. Hee.)

Back at the restaurant, Tina leaves the table to get some air and Alpha Bette kicks into gear, barging over to Aaron’s table to give him a piece of her mind. Tina stops her, insisting she can stand up for herself, when the words, “I am so happy to be done with dykes” escape Aaron’s lips. (!!!) Working up a specimen of lesbian wrath the likes of which we haven’t seen in her since the pregnant, table-throwing incident, Tina lays into Aaron most spectacularly… up until she ends with accusing William of stealing the Lez Girls negative. Oh, Tina. You should know better than to believe one word out of Jenny’s foul mouth. Honestly!

Back at Hit, Dylan is doing well with Nikki during the business portion of the “test,” offering her sound and potentially unpopular advice and earning kudos from Helena. Nikki starts flirting, digging, and Dylan reveals there’s someone “very special” with whom she’s hoping to rekindle things. Nikki finally makes her move, spelling it out: if Dylan wants to direct the movie, she’s going to have to sleep with Nikki. Tonight. Dylan: “Then I guess I’m not going to be directing this movie.” Back in the security room, the gang celebrates – except for Helena, who looks rather like she’s going to throw up.


Helena goes to talk to Dylan and they lay their cards out on the table then and there. Dylan tells Helena she’s madly in love with her. Helena asks Dylan if they can go somewhere “private” to “talk.” Riiight.

On the dance floor, Jenny gazes reproachfully at Nikki, and the Alice/Tasha/Jamie train picks up speed. Shane catches Jenny snooping around her cell phone, looking to see if Nikki had been texting her. Shane asks Alice to distract Jenny for five minutes while she goes outside, and then lies to Jenny about where she’s going. Ooh, is there about to be cuckolding afoot?!

At Dylan’s place, Dylan and Helena give “talking” a try for all of two seconds. Hesitantly, Helena takes Dylan’s hand, but then she pulls away. Slowly, they move into each other, and finally, Helena kisses her. They are tentative and tender – cautious, like old adversaries as much as lovers. The longing between these two is just staggering. And hot. Did I mention the hotness? In the first fiercely hot sex scene this show has had in I can’t even remember how long, Dylan and Helena start getting it on. It must be said that for all this show’s suckiness this season, Rachel Shelley is fucking exquisite in this scene.


Having a smoke behind the club, Shane is approached by Nikki. Shane thanks her for helping out with the scheme and quickly excuses herself, explaining that she and Jenny are together now. Nikki is visibly crushed: “I thought that when you stopped by this morning, that…” Oops. Shane lets her off easy, saying that if Jenny weren’t in the picture that maybe there could be something between them. Dang it. I had such high hopes about that freshly brewed drama…

Inside, things between Alice and Jenny have escalated and, when Shane returns, Jenny makes her an ultimatum: “Pick a side.” But Shane refuses to play. Tasha and Jamie drag Alice off to get back to their pre-threesome warm-up having a good time. Jenny accuses Shane of sneaking off to fuck Nikki in the bathroom. Shane says that if it came down to having to choose between their relationship or their friendship, she’d pick the friendship. Jenny: “The only thing that’s going to get in the way of our friendship is if something gets in the way of our romantic relationship.” They kiss and make up, but Shane answers Jenny’s “I love you” with a mere “me too.” Oh, playa Shane. For once it is so nice to see you.

Dylan is making sweet love to an achingly vulnerable Helena, whose passion finally gives way to tears. Dylan comforts her and Helena admits that she’s scared. Dylan: “I know. Me too. It’s okay.” Hot and adorable? It’s not quite enough to wipe the taste of Shenny out of my mouth, but at this point, hey, I’ll take what I can get!

At Hit, Jamie/Alice/Tasha dance all giddy and sexy-like. Jenny frets. And Nikki catches Shane’s suspiciously wanton eye.

Next week: Bette and Tina hit a snag in the adoption process. (Oh, just get it over with and go all Rumpelstiltskin on Max’s ass.) Kelly finally makes a move on Bette. And Jenny sabotages Dylan and Helena’s rekindled relationship.

And if you missed it, be sure to check out Velvetpark‘s first L Word-related podcast on season six, featuring me, Elizabeth Koke and Amy Nicole Miller dishing the dirt on the show we love to hate to love!

Watch episode 605: