Aahhhh! Don’t look now, but the Oompa Loompa Lezzies have escaped the ‘up chocolate creek without a pixie stick’ factory!
Aahhhh! Don’t look now, but the Oompa Loompa Lezzies have escaped the ‘up chocolate creek without a pixie stick’ factory! (Otherwise known as Ilene Chaiken’s office.) Their labors, directed by tyrannical Kreepy Kiddy Show Host, Jenny, the Oompa Lambdas (Including Bette. No. Seriously.) sing while festooning Jenny and Shane’s house with colorful balloons and crepe paper, decorating for Max’s Willy Wonka-themed baby shower.
In the spirit of making fun of their own show, Alice and Shane debate whether Shane should dump Jenny in helium-induced chipmunk voices.
Dylan and Helena arrive, pausing at the doorstep to canoodle and plan an escape back to their love nest. Jenny greets them at the door and before you can say Veruca Salt, she has let the cat out of the bag with Dylan: “I’m so happy for you! You passed the test with flying colors! We were watching you, how at Hit you rebuffed Nikki Stevens even though she could have helped your career.” Utterly betrayed, Dylan bolts. Helena chases after her, announcing to Shane on her way out, “I’m going to fucking kill your girlfriend.” Ah, just in time to make Max’s arrival at his surprise party yet more awkward. Happy baby shower!
Max, looking ever-so-much like the little boy at his birthday party who desperately did not want a birthday party, is crowned with a purple Willy Wonka hat and given a golden ticket by the Schecter. Jenny does her best to make Jamie feel unwelcome at the party. Shane: “She’s just so inappropriate.” Inappropriate, Shane? Really? Well, it’s a start…
Helena comes back in, devastated that Dylan has left. The party guests debate whether Jenny is malicious or merely thoughtless to the point of criminality. Bette: “I can’t believe Jenny did that.” Alice: “What can’t you believe? We should just grab Shane and make a run for it.” Oh, look. It’s the first sensible thing ANY of you bitches has said ALL SEASON!!!
Awkward baby shower games ensue. Max opens up to the gang and we learn that Tom has completely disappeared and changed his phone numbers. Ouch. Max is clearly unprepared and freaked about the baby. Shane brings out a huge, crazy cake for Max, who asks Jenny to cut it for him. I halfway expect Ilene Chaiken to jump out dressed like a real Oompa Loompa and drag Jenny off to have the bitchberry juice pressed out of her. Ooh. Prezzies!
After reassuring Max that everything will be okay, the gang launches into a series of increasingly horrifying stories about the dangers of child birth. So considerate. Jenny’s present is revealed: a breast pump. Max is berated by Tina and Jenny about his choice not to breastfeed. Trying to break the tension, Alice gives a godawful speech; it’s the worst pep talk of all time, highlighting the fact that Max is terrified and alone. Mid-panic attack, Max gets on his knees and begs Tina and Bette to adopt his kid.
After the party, a more calm Max examines his belly and breasts in the bathroom mirror. At long last, he begins to shave off his ‘homeless dude’ beard.
Bette and Tina discuss the legalities of their upcoming adoption with Joyce. All looks golden until they mention that Marci lives in Nevada. Joyce reveals that Nevada is “one of the few states that doesn’t allow gay couples to adopt.” She presents their choices: lie about their relationship and adopt as a single-parent family until they get the baby back to California or invite Marci to come and live with them until she has the baby. Shacking up Baby Mama style it is!
Alice, Tasha and Jamie return from an intense work-out and Jamie ends up showering at their place. Tasha walks in on her naked and responds by immediately jumping Alice’s bones on the sofa in the next room. Jamie can’t help but hear them banging and listens in, embarrassed, amused and maybe a little turned on.
Jenny takes Shane to see her surprise: she’s rented and fully outfitted a photography studio complete with a darkroom for Shane to pursue her new passion.
Tina heads off to New York to work on a new movie deal. Meanwhile, Helena continues to drink herself into a stupor over Dylan. Sunset Boulevard, dolled up in her “Like a Virgin” 80s best, finally learns that Kit is A) not a lesbian and B) not with Helena.
Bette and Kelly work to get the gallery ready for its big opening. Hey, it’s James! Bette is uncharacteristically civil to him. Booooring. Tina calls to tell Bette how great things are going in New York. Kelly interrupts Bette’s phone call to discuss “an emergency” that turns out to be a concern about the catering. Bette: “WTF?” Kelly does her best to drive a wedge, inferring that Tina ought to be there with Bette for the opening. Bette sensibly refuses to buy into Kelly’s crap.
Tasha and Alice arrive at Jamie’s place. Oh, look. Jamie’s half-naked again! Tasha notably turns away so as not to feast her eyes upon nakie Jamie.
At the opening, Kit is approached by a defrocked Sunset Boulevard, who she fails to recognize out of drag and insults. While Shane sucks down oysters in delight, Jenny spoils her fun by comparing their taste and texture to bio-boy jizz. Nikki arrives at the opening, making a beeline for Shane, who agrees to bail on Jenny and leave with her. Helena, still double-fisting it, decides to leave the party to go home and be a tragic lesbian. Sunset tries his luck with Kit again and she throws a drink in his face. Jamie gets Tasha to open up about her family for the first time ever, inciting consternation in Alice.
In her new darkroom, Shane lovingly develops a photo of Molly while Nikki gets her flirt on. They make out until Shane whirls toward the tub of developing chemicals and pukes her guts out. Nikki bails.
Kelly shows up unexpectedly at Bette’s with a bottle of champagne. Jenny searches high and low for Shane until she gets a call from her. Jenny rushes to the studio to look after her woman. Shane: “I think I ate something…” Yes, Shane. Yes, you did. You drank from the fount of Darth Schecter and now you’re paying for it! Jenny gets Shane home, and puts her to bed. Kelly and Bette celebrate, until drunken Kelly tries to make a move and Bette pushes her away, scolding her amiably. In the commotion, Kelly drops her champagne flute and it shatters everywhere. From Jenny’s POV across the way, it totally looks like Bette (cleaning up the broken glass on the floor) is going down on Kelly. Jenny snaps a camera phone pic of the two of them together… Dun dun DUN!
Next week: Jenny confronts Bette about what she thinks she saw. Alice’s dance-a-thon fundraiser gets underway amid rumors of trouble for her and Tasha. And Tina gets a job offer… in New York.