It’s dance-a-thon time, kids! Alice: “I found more safety pins!” Oh, really? Perhaps you could have used them to hold OurChart together.
It’s dance-a-thon time, kids! Alice: “I found more safety pins!” Oh, really? Perhaps you could have used them to hold OurChart together. Yeah, it’s just a tad awkward to have the dead site’s logo featured prominently on all the promo stuff for the dance-a-thon.
Bette arrives, game face revved up. She and Alice perform a complicated psyche-out ritual, during which Alice confesses her plan to sweep all three competitions, including “Last Couple Standing” at the end of the night. Bette: “Step off, bitch! I got this.” (Just kidding; she would have only said that if she were talking to Kelly Wentworth.) At any rate, it’s on like a silicon schlong!
Jenny shows up and confronts Bette about what she thinks she saw the other night, her expression morphing from ‘long-suffering martyr’ to ‘holier than motherfucking thou’ in point-five seconds. Jenny asks if Bette has told Tina about the supposed affair yet and infers that if Bette doesn’t, she will. Tina arrives and Bette whisks her away before Jenny can get a word in edgewise.
As it turns out, Tina has just been offered a sweet movie industry job. Bette: “Shut UP! You are such a fucking ROCK STAR!” I can’t decide if I like 16-year-old Bette or not, but I think she’s growing on me. Alas, the job has a catch: it’s in New York. We learn that Bette and Tina can’t stay all night for the whole marathon because they have to pick Marci up at the bus station in the morning.
Sunset, playing emcee, introduces Jamie to the crowd. She brings Alice up for a photo op with would-be jumper Marie. Bette and Tina pledge $1,500 to the cause to get the ball rolling. Okay, WTF? Is Sunset doing an impersonation of Kit on purpose? Kit asks Sunset to be her dance partner.
Off-handedly, Jenny apologizes to Helena for “what happened” with Dylan. Give me a fucking break, Schecter. “What happened” was YOU! Jamie offers to ditch Alice and Tasha and dance with Helena. Tasha and Jamie share an awkward moment.
The dancing begins and Bette notices that Jodi is there, talking to Jenny of all people. Ruh roh. Bette seems about to come clean to Tina about what did and didn’t happen with Kelly, but before she can get anywhere with that, Alice interrupts them – repeatedly. Al has finally started to twig that something might be going on between Jamie and Tasha. When Alice finally leaves, Tina asks what Bette was going to say before, but Bette says she’ll tell her later.
Bette runs into Jodi in the ladies’ room. Jenny told Jodi about Bette and Kelly. Lovely. Even worse? Jodi claims that Kelly told her something happened, too. Oy. Not to be outdone, Gossip Girl, I mean, Alice has been blabbing to folks that Bette and Tina are moving to NYC. Shane doesn’t want them to go. Bette: “Your fucking girlfriend.” Shane: “I know! You can’t leave me here.” No shit. Maybe they’ll adopt you, too, Shane.
Alice moves on to Helena to ask her if she thinks there’s something going on between Tasha and Jamie. Alice: “Should I be worried?” Helena: “Honestly? Yes.”
Nikki shows up, making a beeline for Shane. Shane, the master of mixed messages, says she’s there with Jenny, but flirts heavily.
The first dance competition begins. Alice and Shane share a few words backstage. Al asks what it’s going to take to make Shane happy these days, but Shane doesn’t want to talk about that. Shane: “This is what it is.” Alice: “No, it’s not. It’s what you let it be.”
Shane and Jenny do a tango-flamenco-infused dance number for the judges, one of whom gives them a measly “2.5.” Bwahaha! Backstage, Alice and Bette finally get a gander at each other’s costumes. Alice is dressed like Salt-n-Pepa, along with the rest of her crew. (Ha!) Bette looks classy in a black, backless frock. (What, no unitard and leg warmers?! Soooo disappointing.) Bette and Alice go back to their respective teams, hell bent on winning this thing.
More psyched out by Bette than she let on earlier, Alice gets stage-fright. Time for a pep talk! Tasha: “Everybody out there? They’re here for you. Jamie and I are going to do this crazy-ass dance for you. I’m in a turquoise onesie… for you!” They go on and their song turns out to be “Push It.” They’re actually not bad – and wildly entertaining to boot.
Surprise, surprise: Shane’s banging Nikki in the loo.
Bette and Tina take the stage. Okay, I’m waiting for “I’ve… had… the time of my life… and I owe it all to youuuu…” Alas, they’re dancing to Soul II Soul instead: “Back to life, back to reality…” The reality is that not even Jennifer’s mad dancing skillz could bring this show back to life at this point. And sadly, that talent is wasted here. Their routine is as boring as they are, mostly it’s just them posing and doing a little shimmy here and there. (It all looks a little high school dance recital.)
Okay, but nevermind that! As Helena watches in the crowd, someone walks up and takes her hand. Oh! Oh! Is it? It IS! Dylan is back! (Yes, I actually squee’d. Out loud.) Nikki and Shane are still humping. Helena pulls Dylan in close and they kiss. Bette and Tina finish their routine and get the highest score from the judges so far. (Whatev.)
Okay, you had to know if Marlee Matlin was coming back for this episode that we’d get to see her strut her stuff on that stage. Sure enough, she and her date take the place by storm. They are phenomenal! Jodi wins the competition with a perfect score from the judges. Backstage, Alice frets watching Jamie and Tasha pal around together.
Jenny suggests that Nikki auction off a date with herself to the highest bidder for charity. Uh oh. What’s Jenny up to now?
Out back, Helena and Dylan make out like a couple of teenagers in love. They agree to start over with a clean slate. Yay!
Sure enough, Nikki takes the stage to auction herself off. The bidding starts off modestly until someone steps forward and offers $25k. Guess who? Yeah. It’s Jenny. She asks for the mic and Sunset, who doesn’t know any better, is only too happy to hand it over. Jenny: “Shane, you don’t have to fuck her in a bathroom anymore… You don’t have to sneak around. I bought her for you… so you can have her whenever you want.” Oh, SNAP! Brutal, but classic Jenny. More privately, Jenny tells Shane she can fuck whoever she wants, and Jenny’s fine with it. Jenny: “It doesn’t scare me.” Jenny bails. Shane looks humiliated, trapped.
Early into the wee hours, contestants are flopped here and there on a break. Bette offers heartfelt congratulations to Jodi and they exchange some kind words, parting amicably enough.
Alice finally confronts Jamie, asking her if she has feelings for Tasha. Jamie doesn’t answer right away, but her face is awash with guilt. Jamie: “Oh, God. Alice, I would never do anything…” Alice, crushed: “I know.”
Bette and Tina arrive at the bus station, exhausted but hopeful. They decide to take the plunge and move to New York. Tina is thrilled.
Sunset takes the stage after yet another wardrobe change, only this time he’s dressed down in boy duds, sans make-up. Kit recognizes him from the gallery and starts to challenge his right to be on stage, but he interrupts her, speaking to the crowd. We find out his real name is Sonny Benson. Sonny: “Most of you know me as Sunset Boulevard… I’m a straight man who loves his gay and lesbian family, and I hope that you can still accept me.” The crowd cheers, but Kit feels betrayed. Yawn. This storyline couldn’t be flatter or more far-fetched if Jenny Schecter herself had written it. At least Sonny and Kit are adorable together; that almost makes up for Kit’s inconceivably slow-witted place in this mess. Sonny asks her out, rather gallantly I’ll add. Kit, flabbergasted, walks away without giving him an answer.
At the bus station, Baby Mama Marci is a no-show. Bette and Tina are devastated. (Max, your fairy gaymother might be granting that birthday wish of yours after all…)
Back at the dance-a-thon, Alice and Tasha slow dance mournfully, their heads on each other’s shoulders, faces turned away so they can’t see one another. Alice: “I want you know I’ve never loved you more, and I want you to be happy… Do you want to be with Jamie?” They look at each other and Tasha can’t bring herself to answer. Alice: “It’s okay.” Tasha: “I’m not ready to let you go.” They dance on, holding each other tightly. The camera pulls back to reveal them as the last couple standing just as Sunset announces as much. Poor Alice. Even when she wins, she loses.
Next week: Everything comes to a head on the two-hour series finale!
Watch episode 607: