The L Word Recap 608: I Can Haz Ending?

Well, kids, it’s finally here – the end of an era.

Well, kids, it’s finally here – the end of an era. Amidst all the EPIC FAIL!!!! struggle and drama and heartache arises a new hope, that the women of The L Word, whom we’ve grown to know and love and love to loathe, will meet a fitting end. Okay, so maybe we can already guess that there are no puppies and rainbows and puppies shitting rainbows in store for the gang, but c’mon… closure would be nice! And so, with hope lightening our hearts and lust singing in our loins, we go forth bravely into that long night known as: finale.

In the interrogation room, Shane spills her guts. “Feeling,” she muses, “is a solitary emotion.” While I’m thrilled to kick off this historical hour of teevee with some good old-fashioned lesbian processing… Shane, ‘feeling’ is not an actual emotion. It is the act of HAVING an emotion. Perhaps if they had written your character as having something more than the emotional range of a shoe, you would know this.

In a flashback, Jenny and Shane do a spiel for the “tribute” video Jenny is making for Bette and Tina’s going away party. Jenny muses that Bette and Tina leaving is as much an adventure for her and Shane as for Tibette themselves. Jenny: “You were this supreme, wonderful, beautific couple and now we’re going to take your place!” Shane, thrilled, looks likely to volunteer to be the one found face-down in the pool.


Instead of the usual opening credits, we get a title screen and some tense music leading us right into… Alice confronting Tasha and Jamie about their secret love for one another – at the Planet, of course. Alice: “Just be fucking truthful about your feelings.” Jamie fesses up that she has indeed fallen for Tasha. Alice: “Thank you. And fuck you!” Alice bails, telling the two of them to “try it” together and that if she doesn’t hear from Tasha the next day, she’ll know she has made her choice.

At Helena’s, Jenny has arrived to take Helena and Dylan’s depositions – uh, I mean, tribute video stylings. Alas, they’re mid-fight: Dylan, just having lost the place she was subletting, is sulky about Helena not having invited her to move in. Helena feels pressured and resentful. And here’s Jenny with her camera! Alrighty, you two love birds. Let’s go make some memories! Jenny: “Let me just make sure we get the pool in the shot.” Ha!

At Chez Portard, Kit asks Bette: why the sudden plans to move to New York City? Bette confesses that she is “so ready to get out of here.” Kit finds out about Jenny being up in Bette’s business re: the Kelly thing. Bette hasn’t told Tina about Kelly coming over that night. Bette: “And if I tell her now it just becomes this whole mess… I am happy to be getting out of this incestuous hotbed of lesbian inter-fucking-connectedness.” Kit remarks on the new balcony, overlooking the pool – the contractor hasn’t had a chance to put a railing up yet. Kit: “That’s dangerous!” Uh huh…

Alice and Shane are drinking beer in bed (aww), discussing Shane’s relationship with Jenny. Shane: “I feel responsible for her. It’s like I’ve been entrusted with this lost child in a way. And that I was given this opportunity to be responsible for someone else’s feelings.” No, that was like THREE storylines ago, Shane! Three seasons ago, at any rate. Please. Progress! Shane admits that she’s just staying at this point to make Jenny happy.

Dylan is on the phone with someone, terse, tense. Helena walks in and Dylan abruptly ends the call, dodging the question when Helena asks who she was talking to. Dylan stalks off, angry that Helena still doesn’t trust her. Helena chases after her, admitting that trust is difficult for her, but she’s willing to try. Woohoo, make-up sex on the kitchen table! Dylan: “Do you trust me?” Helena: “Yes.” Dylan pulls a huge chef knife from the block on the table and slowly, savagely cuts through Helena’s bra strap, literally ripping her clothes off. Holy hell, was that hot!


At Shane’s studio, Jenny reviews Helena’s footage for the video. In it, Helena admits that the reason she was such a bitch to Bette when they met was because she was jealous of her intelligence and talent and they way Peggy had always raved about Bette’s accomplishments. Phyllis and Joyce share wistful goodbyes, too: Phyllis, gushing over the hotness of Bette, and Joyce, over all of their lovely money by way of lawyer fees.

Tina writhes on the bed, moaning, coming, Bette hidden from view between her legs. Tina: “Oh my God, we should get Weezy to finish the railing before all these people come to our house.” Bette: “What did you just say?” Oops. Tina: “Oops. I said, ‘Oh my God, that was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had,’ and I think you deserve more of the same.” Oh, Tibetters. This is Ilene Chaiken throwing you one last bone (so to speak). Enjoy it while it lasts! They kiss passionately, tenderly, sharing sweet nothings. Bette: “You know what I’d like to do when we get to New York? I’d like to marry you.” Cue the lazy, afterglowy, candle-lit cuddling montage, complete with a Sade song. Okay, now it’s a sleeping montage. And it’s still going. And going… In the interrogation room, a sullen, worried Bette proclaims, when asked about Tina, “She’s the love of my life.”


The next morning, Shane teases Bette and Tina about the general JBF-ness of them. Bette wants to hear why Jenny is using Shane’s studio, but Shane dodges – the video is a surprise. Bette: “You know what I think it is, Shane? I think she needed to give you something so that she could have something else to take away from you.” Shane and Tina defend Jenny. Bette: “Yeah, I think her heart is in the right place, I just think she misplaced her meds.”

Upstairs, Helena watches Dylan drive away after another tense phone call. Alice, on the phone with Shane, still hasn’t heard from Tasha. Alice does an impersonation of Tasha pillow-talking to Jamie that sounds uncannily like Redd Foxx from Sanford and Son. Oy. Jenny arrives home, freaked about time. Shane swoops in and offers to go run errands for her so she’ll be able to finish her video before the party starts.

Kit and Sonny arrive back from the zoo with Angie. Sonny has to morph himself into Sunset and get to work; Tina offers him their pristine new master bathroom upstairs to change in. Bette gets testy: “What if he forgets to put the toilet seat up or something?” She says there’s something about men that just makes her “queasy,” but swears up and down that she’s not a “man-hater.” James makes one last ironic appearance, just in from running an errand. Kit, to James: “How do you put up with her?” He smiles tolerantly. Ha ha!

Meanwhile, Jenny’s personal assistant, Shane, arrives at the photography studio with lunch and Final Cut Pro. Jenny wants her to stay and help with the video. Jenny: “You don’t want this to be from us?” Shane, gently but firmly: “This is from you. Alright?” As Shane leaves, Dylan walks in. Yikes. I guess we know who she was on the phone with. Why am I not surprised?

Tina asks James if he’s thought about moving to New York. Bette says she won’t need an assistant anymore: “I kind of like the idea of Tina supporting me and while I look after the children.” There’s a beat and Kit, Tina and James all burst out laughing. Sunset reappears, kissing Angie on her wee noggin on his way out. Sunset: “Bye, Pumpkin.” Pumpkin: “Bye, Daddy.” Gasp! Tina and Kit take this in stride; Bette glares.

Alice is still on the phone, with Helena this time, doing her impersonation of Tasha and Jamie banging yet again. Helena is… mending a jacket? (Too bad she can’t sew up these fucking storylines.) Alice asks if Dylan is helping Jenny with editing the video, since she was seen arriving at the studio. Helena, suspicious, gets off the phone.

At the studio, Dylan tries to reason with Jenny: “I just want you to promise me you’re not going to tell her.” As it turns out, Dylan was in on the Nikki Stevens test all along – she recognized Jenny’s voice on the phone as “Nikki’s manager” and got the scoop from Jenny before it all went down. Jenny urges Dylan to tell Helena the whole truth. (Yeah, because that worked SO well last time!) Dylan doesn’t think the relationship can survive that. And neither does Helena, who has been downstairs listening. Whoops. Helena calls Dylan a “con artist.” Jenny: “This is so unethical. I never should have been involved in any of this!” Gah! At this point, I’m ready to kill her! It dawns on Helena that Jenny’s big reveal at and, likewise, Dylan’s dramatic exit from Max’s baby shower were all an act. Ouch. Her fragile trust shattered, Helena ends the relationship with Dylan once and for all. She is furious with Jenny for interfering and deceiving her.


Shane is picking out a present for Bette and Tina and who should she run into but Molly, who’s there with her new lady friend. Molly says she was surprised to learn that Shane and Jenny were together after how upset Jenny was the night of the party and the whole thing with Nikki. Molly: “I had this stupid idea after what my mom did that you were being selfless and you just dumped me because of the challenge that my mom put to you.” Molly references the letter she put in Shane’s jacket the night she dropped it off for her – you know, the one Jenny hid up in the attic? – and Shane’s face falls. Shane: “What letter?” Molly says it’s not important any more, that she fell for her “like a million other girls,” but has essentially moved on. Molly wishes Shane and Jenny well and takes her leave. Devastated, Shane rushes home.


The party is getting underway at Bette and Tina’s. Tasha still hasn’t called Alice. In Jenny’s absence, the gang bitches about her behind her back. Max: “Maybe Shane threw a bucket of water on her and she melted.” Bwahahaha! Alice announces her intention to make up with Jenny tonight, for Shane’s sake. Bette suggests that they all try to follow suit.

Jenny arrives secretly and starts to set up her tribute video to show it to all assembled. Kit confronts her about the hard time she’s been giving Bette over Kelly. Jenny: “I can see that my friends don’t want to be around me anymore, that they want me to shut the fuck up and go away.” Ya think? Jenny reveals she has “proof” of Bette’s supposed affair, but hesitates to share it with Kit. Kit: “If you have proof, I want you to show me.” Jenny plugs her iPhone into the TV. It turns out Jenny was taking video through the window, not just a photo. While misleading, the “evidence” is compelling. Kit is horrified.

Sgt. Duffy the Lesbian Conspiracy Slayer questions Bette about Jenny. Bette: “Very complex. Talented, self-destructive, sometimes very generous, but complicated.”

Back at their house, Shane tears through Jenny’s closet, searching for Molly’s letter. Finally, she makes her way up into the attic. Sure enough, she finds the letter tucked into the jacket pocket, settling down to read it with an expression like someone just kicked her in the stomach. When she gets up again, dazed from overdosing on truthiness after months and months of Jenny’s bullshit, she half-trips over an old blanket, which has been covering… a stack of Lez Girls film reels. DOOD! I knew Jenny stole the negative!


Bette shows her guests the new master bedroom upstairs. Tina: “Be careful up there, guys. Our contractor bailed on us and she didn’t finish the railing.” Okay, we get it already! Someone is going over the edge of balcony shortly. Gee, I wonder who?

Ooh, it’s the prodigal Tasha! In her interrogation, she says that Alice has “the biggest heart of anyone I know. She takes risks.” One of the detectives perks up at the idea of Alice as a risk-taker.

Kit pulls Bette aside to tell her about Jenny’s “evidence.” Bette flips out.

Jenny gathers the gang into the media room to start the tribute video, which is THREE HOURS LONG?!?! Jenny goes upstairs to get Bette.

Shane has dragged Tina next door to see the stolen film reels. Tina is flabbergasted at the discovery.

Jenny stands near the edge of the rail-less balcony, calling for Bette, who finally appears. She nears Jenny slowly. Bette: “My family and the life that I have worked so hard to rebuild for them means everything in the world to me. And there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to preserve or protect them.” Nothing? Really? Note: this is the last time we see Jenny alive. Yipe!


In the interrogation room, we rehash what Bette said earlier about Jenny. She appears troubled, even guilty. Okay, paging the Lie to Me guy! We will require your services, STAT!

The tape is still playing in the now empty media room. Tina walks in, looking for Jenny. Tina, to herself: “How could (she) fucking do that to me? I’m just gonna put her out of her fucking misery.” Yeah, yeah. Get in line.

Out on the back steps, Alice tells Shane she’s ready to forgive Jenny. Shane says they’re not together anymore; she’s finally had it with Jenny’s crap.

Alice, in her interrogation: “What does this have to do with who killed Jenny?” (Ha! Just wait, honey…) Sarge: “So you think someone killed Jenny?” Aw, crap. Poor Alice. She walked right into that one.

A calm, even sober Bette finally runs into Tina after checking on Angie, who’s sleeping. Tina asks if Bette has seen Jenny, and Bette says she hasn’t. Oh, dear. Tina wants to talk to Bette about something. Max stops in to grab his sweater and mentions that he felt the baby kick for the first time recently. He seems to finally be adjusting to the pregnancy, and Bette and Tina are happy for him. When asked, Max says he hasn’t seen Jenny outside. Sounder runs around the edge of the pool by himself, sniffing around and whining fretfully.

Back to Jenny’s video, it’s blast from the past time! Tim (ribbing and then complimenting Jenny), Ivan (in front of a “No on Prop 8” sign and about to marry a champion surfer chick), Mangus (apparently drunk in the middle of the day), Peggy Peabody (offering to throw them a huge party when they get to New York, in her house, “big enough to hold all of your exes!”), Jodi (graciously kind), Marina (obscure, scatty and sexy as ever) and even Carmen (sadly sweet) all say their touchy-feely goodbyes to Bette and Tina, and to all of us watching.

The group wonders aloud where in the hell Jenny is and Alice volunteers to go find her. The video reverts back to the core gang saying their goodbyes. At the end of her and Jenny’s spiel, Shane mouths, “Don’t go,” shaking her head. Interrupting the touching lovefest, Alice stumbles back inside, distraught, gesticulating wildly toward the pool, unable to get anything out other than sobbing: “Jenny… Jenny!” The group rushes out back, off-screen. We hear Jenny speaking on the video, “I love you, Bette and Tina!” There’s a splash as someone dives into the pool.


And we’re back to where we started at this season’s opening: lights and sirens and Xena, Warrior Detective, arriving on the scene. Out back, one of the officers spots someone hiding in the bushes by the pool. Nikki Stevens is ordered to come out with her hands up, at gunpoint. Shane: “Nikki, what are you doing here?” Nikki: “I just came to talk to Jenny… at the dance marathon she was keeping you like a prisoner and I just wanted to tell her that she had to free you…” Shane tells Nikki, urgently, to shut the frak up. Tasha finally shows up, finagling her way onto the scene after showing one of the cops her identification as a cadet at the police academy. Tasha walks in and beckons Alice forward, enfolding her in her arms. Tasha: “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.” Aww. Too bad Alice won’t be sticking around for very long… the cop-to-be and the convicted murderess? Yeah. That’ll work!

Sgt. Duffy tells the gang that this is going to take longer than they thought. Presenting a united front, they agree to cooperate and go down to the station for whatever is needed of them. Kit: “We’re a very tight-knit group.” Shane, strangely calm: “And we take care of each other.” Alice: “None of us did anything wrong. We don’t know what happened out there.” The group prepares to leave. On the video, Jenny, alone now, says her final goodbye: “You guys, um… changed my life. Wow, you really did. And I’m never going to forget you. So thank you for everything. Okay? That’s it.” Fade out.

As the belated credits roll, accompanied by quietly moody, jazzy mystery music in lieu of Betty, several cars are seen from on high, pulling into close formation into a parking lot. The group exits their respective vehicles, heading into the police station. The music gets faster, feistier – an edgier, instrumental version of the theme song – and each cast member struts through that parking lot like they’re on a god-damned fashion week runway. The first shot of each one has them with their game faces on, serious, collected, but then… ooh, costume changes! Let’s mix and match our characters. And, my, don’t they look excited to be here! Just look at those knowing, conspiratorial smiles they’re exchanging. Final show or no, appearing downright cheerful, their mirth seems glaringly inappropriate here. And the last to appear? Jenny, in a gold lame slip of a frock. She walks with Shane, who takes her hand, smiling warmly over at her. The gang finishes catwalking across the screen as a group one last time, and we end on a shot overlooking Los Angeles, and the words: Thank you for six great seasons!” flashing across the screen.




Yeah. That’s it…

Now, I know we aren’t going to be able to help ourselves, any of us – myself included. We’re going to be watching every damn one of those stupid ass interrogation tape webisodes over at, but seriously? At this point? I think we need an intervention.