Julia: So… you know when you’re walking down the street and you see a hot butch dyke and your head turns and you smile and get flirty…
Julia: So… you know when you’re walking down the street and you see a hot butch dyke and your head turns and you smile and get flirty… only to realize—with GREAT disappointment—”Oh, that’s a dude. Not a dyke. Dammit.”
Amy: Of course. Happens more than I’d like to admit.
Elizabeth: Ugh. I have to remind myself every time I go to the East Village that the hot bulldaggers everywhere are in fact dumb, stupid, cisgendered boys.
Amy: It’s sad, really. Sometimes it’s your professor or even worse, your dad’s friend and then it’s just embarrassing.
Julia: OMG I know. I get so disappointed. Like, “What a waste.” Which is so lame of me, but… whatever.
Amy: “What a waste,” that’s a great way to look at it. Waste of what though? Your time? Your enthusiasm? Or waste of a person?
Julia: Cuteness. On a boy.
Elizabeth: I’ve heard Liederman use the term “Should-bian.”
Julia: Ha ha!
Amy: TRUE. Although…. there are SO many more hot boys out there that I’ve just embraced/accepted it.
Julia: Sigh. You are so forward thinking, Amy. Someday I will mature and be like you.
Amy: Otherwise, you’d never be able to flirt! Haha.
Julia: So there’s this blog on blogspot which has taken the dilemna of dudes who look like dykes to a whole new level… of funny.
Amy: I think the hilarity is in its specificity of “old” lesbians.
Julia: I know!
Amy: Because there are a couple entries titled “men who look like youngish lesbians.” Snooze. That’s boring.
Elizabeth: I especially love it because it turns that whole dull and homophobic “that woman looks man” thing on its head. And also because its just hilarious.
Julia: That is a really good point, E. It’s kinda subversive, right? And some of these slay me. Like David Sylvian on the second page? How is that not a lesbian?!?!?!
Amy: Hang on let me look…
Julia: One of these guys even wrote a book of “whimsical poems” called Old Possum’s Book of Practical Shoes. If that doesn’t make ANYONE a lesbian, I don’t know what does.
Amy: LOL Totally. And while we’re on the second page, one of my faves is Norm Coleman.
Julia: Totally! All he needs is some berks and cargo shorts. And three dogs.
Amy: Total women’s basketball coach.
Julia: RIGHT?! Okay, but the one that really really REALLY kills me?
Julia: On the home page, July 30th’s “Encore.” Who knew that Kim Jong-il was a lesbian?
Amy: OMG I know. He’s def on my Top 10 list.
Julia: Mine too!
Amy: My second fave is that Ralph Stanley guy, the “Father of Bluegrass.” I swear I’ve seen her at Michfest selling home-made candles. June 9th.
Julia: LoL! He bears a striking resemblance to my grandma’s cousin, who is in fact an older lady-lovin’ lady.
Amy: HAHA! I mean, that’s cute. We must immediately talk about… May 8th, Rowland Howard. This guy creeps me out majorly.
Julia: That’s because he looks like lesbians have swallowed Clay Aiken, and he’s still trying to escape.
Elizabeth: OMG Clay Aiken is totally in there. And I know this lesbian. This is the creepiest kind of lesbian. She has long bony fingers and drinks a lot and is a total date-rapist and might wear a cape in the wintertime in lieu of a coat.
Amy: That grimace is SO lesbian. It’s like “Hey, can I buy you a drink little lady?” (Because you know, all old lesbians call me “little lady.”) (In my fantasies.)
Julia: He also looks like Emma Thompson’s character in Stranger Than Fiction, who was surely a dyke.
Amy: HAHA! OMG, that’s brilliant.
Julia: Did you see Kevin Bacon on the page before that one? May 13th I think? He looks like the lovechild of Kevin Bacon and Rachel Maddow.
Amy: Again, watching women’s college basketball.
Julia: Aww. YES! AMAZING! Okay, the most convincing one I’ve seen yet. April 29th. Blagojevich. Lesbian. Who knew?
Amy: Blago! I hate myself for living so closely to him and never pinpointing why I was oddly attracted to him. Can we talk James Spader?
Julia: Yes, please. I would kind of do him. But it’s not my fault. I blame the movie Secretary.
Amy: I think my love of Secretary is all-the-more explainable now. Hey! We said that at the same time. Glad to know we’re on the same page.
Julia: Mine is explainable because I’m a dirty perv, but this helps.
Amy: Now that I couldn’t explain it before… but you know… it’s all the more better now thinking of how much he looks like an old lesbian.
Amy: Yes indeed. Love that movie. Now I need to watch it again and think of him as an old bulldagger.
Elizabeth: Wow. And I am totally not with you guys on that one. I LOVE Secretary. But James Spader just doesn’t do it for me. He’s too girly.
Julia: OMG. Cuteness! Feb. 27th, the Barenaked Lady guy. He looks like a cute, nerdy butch. So so cute!
Elizabeth: Yes. This is more my speed. Adorable. She’d be a great date. She’d bring me flowers and chocolate.
Amy: Haha! Soooo cute. I’d do her.
Julia: Me too!
Amy: But… not so old.
Julia: Especially since her band is named after naked chicks. And is on the same label as Sarah McLachlan. Again. MAJOR LESBIAN POINTS!
Elizabeth: Holy Sappho, Julia. I LOVE that you know that BNL shares a record label with Sarah. I was totally a member of her official fanclub, Murmurs, back in the day. But I digresss. And I absolutely, hands down choose young Bob Dylan as my shouldbian dream dyke. Though I know that in real life he was kind of a terrible boyfriend.
Amy: Check out Feb 12th, Eric Carmen. NOT an old lesbian! More like creepy old Botox lady. Joan Rivers’ BFF perhaps.
Julia: LoL! That is so freaking funny. You know who else needs to be on this list?
Julia: David Carradine. In memoriam. Actor. Bill. Lesbian. I just searched the blog for DC, but they haven’t gotten to him yet.
Amy: Wow, so true. (I had to do a Google image search just now.) Is Drew Carey on this list? Total old lez. And annoying, but I digress
Julia: Good one! No, he’s not on here either.
Amy: Drew Carey is annoying, not DC.
Julia: Totes. So in closing, should we offer some advice to guys hoping to make this list? Because c’mon, all guys wish they were lesbians…
Amy: 1. pronounced cheek-bones. 2. Chubby face w/ glasses.
Elizabeth: 3. Bizarre choice of accessories. Exhibit A, and Exhibit B.
Julia: 4. Twinkle in your eye and a gruff scowl on your mug. 5. Feathered hair.
Amy: 5. Long-ish Amy Ray hair.
Elizabeth: 5. Bad lesbian hair.
Julia: HA HA!
Amy: HAHA! Same page… again.
Elizabeth: LOL. But of course.
Julia: Okay, we have been doing these chats so long that we are starting to share the same brain. I hope this means that your taste in shoes will rub off on me.
Amy: True story. Please… you’ve never seen my feet! I talk a lot of trash, ok.
Amy: 6. Botox somehow makes you look more lesbionic.
Elizabeth: Agreed. Botox is a magic ingredient.
Julia: But only if you want to look like a really creepy lesbian.