ThreeWay: Golden Globally Yours

K.L.: Yeah. Golden Globes. I’ll admit: I only watched half of it. Mostly cuz I was watching it from a seedy hotel room in San Juan and the TV was all fuzzy.

K.L.: Yeah. Golden Globes. I’ll admit: I only watched half of it. Mostly cuz I was watching it from a seedy hotel room in San Juan and the TV was all fuzzy.

Julia: Ha. I was cooking during part of it, but I watched pretty much the whole thing.

K.L.: First off, Monique. What did you think? And did you see Precious?

Julia: I haven’t seen it yet, and I missed the beginning of her speech. But I caught the tail end, including the bit you found so disturbing.

K.L.: And…

Julia: Even just based on what I know about the film, I’m glad she won. I did kind of a double-take at how she phrased her dedication, though, to get what she was talking about. And then I felt a instantaneous mix of “that’s awesome” and “ew.” You?

K.L.: Yeah. But to her credit, I think it was an accident. Like, I think it came out wrong.

Julia: I could see that. Also to her credit, I’m impressed with anybody who can get out a sense-making kinda sentence in front of gazillions of people. I would probably stutter and say “um” ten thousand times.

K.L.: Yeah. What else? Robert Downey Jr. was a blithering idiot. Not funny. Awkward, bad humor.

Julia: Also not funny? Mel Gibson, although props for trying to roll with Ricky Gervais’s punches. The look on peoples’ faces in the audience was more funny than that alcoholic joke, though.

K.L.: True. Ricky Gervais is simultaneously revolting and my hero.

Julia: I too have mixed feelings about Ricky. Why is he your hero?

K.L.: He is my hero because he was a genius on the British The Office. But I’ve never seen him in anything else. And seriously, did you notice how hot Jennifer Aniston looked? Like, since when is she anything but just thin and tan?

Julia: Yeah, she was looking chic for once. I must admit this despite my great antipathy towards her, as a loyal fan of Team Brangie.

K.L.: Wait. YOU ARE?!!! Really?

Julia: Yeah. I have a soft spot for Angie.

K.L.: I mean, I have nothing against her. But, like, as someone who’s been dumped for someone hotter, how can I be on her team? Jennifer Aniston is like the underdog we all root for. She’s the woman we all fear/know we actually are: girl next door-ish, funny, down to earth.

Julia: Ha! Yeah, I want to feel that for her. I really do.

K.L.: But not Angelina Jolie by any stretch of the imagination.

Julia: But I’ve just never liked Jen. 

K.L.: I get it. It seems kind of arbitrary that she’s famous. Not that talented, not that charismatic.

Julia: Exactly! I never understood what the big thing was with her, or with Friends, which I thought was lame and annoying.

K.L.: Like, Scarlett Johanssen is obviously famous. Ditto for Halle Berry (who looked insanely hot at the GGs, btw).

Julia: Right! They’re hot and talented and interesting.

K.L.: Meryl Streep was straight up weird in her speech. I thought she was being coy, it seemed, when referencing Haiti.

Julia: Meryl has been increasingly wacky lately. Did you see the pics of Sandra Bullock and her kissing when they tied at the Critic’s Choice awards last week for Best Actress? Sandy is also loopy, but I heart her foreverz.

K.L.: Yeah. That was totally weird. I didn’t get it. Sandra Bullock was really hot in A Time to Kill.

Julia: That said, Meryl is like… one of those actresses that all other actresses idolize and look up to.

K.L.: Yes, and rightfully so. Sophie’s Choice, Manhattan, etc. I haven’t seen any of her new stuff.

Julia: If I won an award and tied, with say, a female version of Charlie Kaufman, I’d make out with her onstage too.

K.L.: Yes.  Why am I drawing a blank as to anything else that happened during the GGs? Was it boring? I don’t remember it being boring.

Julia: A bit, yeah. OMG But did you see Kevin Bacon? He was in Rachel Maddow drag. FULL ON.

K.L.: Yes. Kevin Bacon looked INSANELY hot. And yes, he looked exactly like a lesbian. Like an emaciated lesbian.

Julia: This seems to be a trend. Famous men are starting to look more and more like butch dykes.

K.L.: Like Kate Moenig with pockmarked skin and a better haircut.

Julia: lmfao Right?! I desperately hope this trend stays popular, because it will make writing cheesy romantic comedies SO MUCH easier. Incidentally, we should write a cheesy romantic comedy together. But I digress. We’ll add it to the list.

K.L.: Yes. Like the Jonas Brothers and Madonna’s 13-year-old boyfriend.

Julia: Hahahaha. I’ve never thought of the Jonas brothers as lesbian icons, but now that you mention it… totally. Except for that vile chastity ring business…

K.L.: And like the pig-faced guy from Twilight who’s the heartthrob. Not Robert Pattinson, the other one.

Julia: Aw, I think Taylor Lautner is a cutie. I might actually watch New Moon just because the idea of him as a werewolf is lukewarm hot.

K.L.: Wait. I don’t think I know who Taylor Lautner is.

Julia: Your pig-faced non-Edward Twilight lad.

K.L.: And yes, we should be writing a romantic comedy together. Like Kissing Jessica Stein, only actually funny and featuring two female leads who are both actually gay.

Julia: Word. I hate that movie.

K.L.: I hated that movie too.

Julia: You hated it too?! Fucking everybody loves that stupid movie. This is why you and I are in love.

K.L.: Ah….yes. This is why we are in love. The only good lesbian  movie I have EVER seen is Show Me Love. Or, Fucking Amal, as it was originally titled. Re: the Golden Globes, Drew Barrymore’s speech was maudlin, verbose, and awkward. HOWEVER: she looked like a really hot butch dyke in mad love.

Julia: Hahahahaha. Yeah, I have a soft spot for her too and she did look great, but I was a little embarrassed for her during that speech. Ok, did you catch any of the red carpet stuff?

K.L.: No, I didn’t see the red carpet stuff.

Julia: I was up in arms because everybody who talked to Ryan Seacrest before and after Jane Lynch was shown with their date/partner/spouse/whatev. She said she was there with her girlfriend, but the lucky lady was nowhere to be seen. And then Ryan like… effed with her on camera.

K.L.: What did he say to her? I’ll kill him.

Julia: He showed a clip of her at the red carpet at some other event where a bird pooped on her forehead. And then he made fun of her about it. He’s such an unbelievable douchebag.

K.L.: Yeah. He has nothing going for him. Nothing. Short, obnoxious, not smart.

Julia: His only redeeming quality is sexual tension with Simon Cowell.

K.L.: True. We are having a really hard time talking about the Golden Globes.

Julia: That’s because they were zzzzzz.  The most entertaining moment I had during the whole show was when one of my friends pointed out that Martin Scorsese looked EXACTLY like the old guy in Up.

K.L.: THAT IS SO TRUE about Martin Scorsese. Wait, who presented with Robert Dinero? I can’t remember. It’s funny, cuz with the legends the whole thing seems like a joke.

Julia: Once she pointed that out, I couldn’t take him seriously anymore, esp. since he kept scrunching up his face, trying not to show he was feeling all emotional and stuff.

K.L.: Yeah.

Julia: I was excited that Glee, Michael C. Hall (Dexter), Toni Collette and Chloe Sevigny all won. Although, I was rooting for Jane Lynch over Chloe. And also, I was rooting for Jane Adams as the dark horse nominee! She’s so great and terribly underappreciated. I was glad Julianna Marguiles won for her new show, too. She was overdue for a Globe.

K.L.: I don’t get Chloe Sevigny. Like, I get that she’s sexy and a dyke icon and that she fucked some famous lesbian for a little while. (I forget who.)

Julia: I don’t get her either, but she’s weird, brave, and crazy talented. Which kind of makes me love her.

K.L.: And I would kill to get naked with her character in If These Walls Could Talk 2.

Julia: OMG Best onscreen butch dyke EVER.

K.L.: BUT I think she is a terrible actress. Oh, wait, I know who she fucked. That singer. That andro singer whose name starts with an ‘I’.

Julia: Hrm. I can’t think of anybody who fits that description. But I can buy her banging an androgynous singer.

K.L.: My friend saw them out together and stuff, making out at gay boy bars.

Julia: HOT. Only I’m imagining her dressed as her If These Walls character making out with some andro dyke, surrounded by beautiful gay boys.

K.L.: I see Chloe Sevigny at least once a month on the street because she lives in my hood. And every time I see her, I give her a look as if to say, “I know your secret.” And she never notices. Sucks.

Julia: You should give her the dyke nod and see if she notices that!

K.L.: I do! And she looks away, mildly uncomfortable.

Julia: Hahaha! Femmes need a femme nod. I nominate you to come up with one.

K.L.: Yeah. We should devise one.

Julia: For real. And then we have to teach it to Chloe Sevigny, but we’ll tell her she only gets to join the club if she gets in boi drag again and bangs us.