ThreeWay: The Hair Apparent, a Tale of Whoa

Amy: Hi Julia! So, I’d really like to talk to you about body hair. Lately I’ve been obsessed with facial hair on women, me specifically.

Amy: Hi Julia! So, I’d really like to talk to you about body hair. Lately I’ve been obsessed with facial hair on women, me specifically.

Julia: OMG We need to talk, for reals. Because I’m effing Italian. And body hair is my life. Sometimes the bane of my life. Also, I just put on my “Fierce Femme Mix” playlist on iTunes as appropriate mood music. Currently playing: Alannah Myles, “Black Velvet.”

Amy: Hahaha. I’m gonna, too! Ida Maria, “Love.” Ok, so my issue with my mustache began in the summer when I saw some pics of myself and I noticed a dark line above my lip! I actually convinced myself it was dirt. But then- it kept showing up in pictures!

Julia: Dirt, and not Readers Digest print?

Amy: SHUT UP!!!! Haha.

Julia: From kissing pics of… whom?

Amy: omg

Julia: Ha! So did you only just develop a femmestache recently then? ‘Cause I’ve been trying various ways of dealing with mine since the onset of puberty.

Amy: Let me back up a sec and say that in case people don’t realize, I’m not one who is cool (yet) with having a ‘stache. Maybe once I’m older, I’ll change my mind. I have zero judgment of women who rock the facial hair. In fact, I love me a bearded lady, but I digress…

Julia: Ditto. It’s just not a look I’m going for.

Amy: I can’t figure it out! In the summer it was worse because I have freckles, which made the pigment of my upper lip darker. But I still have it a bit.

Miller, you make such a dashing Purple Pie Man!

Julia: Oh, and I meant original puberty, not secondary puberty that hit in my early 20’s, when I finally got boobs and badunkadunk.

Amy: lol How do you get rid of facial hair?

Julia: High school: no boobs, Frida Khalo yeti brows, and a ‘stache. WIN!

Amy: Awwww.

Julia: I used to shave my lip fuzz. For years, I did that like, every other day or so.

Amy: Yay! Me too!

Julia: The problem with that is that it grows back, and since my hair is very dark, it’s very visible even when it first starts to sprout. Femme five o’ clock shadow over my lip? Not a good look for me. So I turned to my little sister, who is my primary girlification tutor in life. And she introduced me to my new best friend, Sally Hansen. They make a pretty decent bleach crème.

Amy: I know, right? On NYE, a gay friend of mine drunkenly made out with a female friend of mine and said “women don’t have stubble!” I was like, oh, well you’re lucky you didn’t MO with me.

Julia: Mo? Like, homo out?

Amy: Make Out. I did Nair for the first time last week. I like it.

Julia: Ooh, what was that like? I have sensitive skin so I haven’t tried that. (Says the girl who now uses harsh chemical bleach on her facial hair once a week.)

Amy: lol It was alright. I have sensitive skin too, which is why I can’t wax or get it threaded. They’ve both really irritated my skin before.

Julia: Yikes! Yeah, I haven’t tried threading, even though my best friend told me to.

Amy: Wanda Sykes does this funny bit in her recent stand up about getting her ass waxed and talks about wanting to punch the woman who did it. I totes felt that way getting my upper lip waxed.

Not bad, but next time I’ll go for the fu manchu!

Julia: lmao

Amy: Threading hurts just as bad, to me anyway.

Julia: I’ve never had my lip waxed. Only my eyebrows. Waxing doesn’t hurt that bad anymore, though. I got used to it. Plus, I’m a masochist, so I think mildly torturous pain is kind of hot. Especially in a salon setting. Go figure.

Amy: LOLOLOLOL In light of the recent recession, I’ve had to go back to plucking my brows.

Julia: Word. Combined economic pressure and a recent and very tragic waxing from an inexpert beautician made me swear off getting mine done professionally, too.

Amy: Oh no!

Julia: But it turns out I’m actually good at tweezing and shaping my own brows now. Go me.

Amy: Let’s talk legs…

Julia: Let’s. I recently switched razors for the first time since, like, 1995. Brands, that is.

Amy: What do you use?

Julia: Not blades.


Julia: I started using the Gillette Venus Spa Breeze. Which is the most lame name for a razor. Ever.

Amy: What the…

Julia: But it is surprisingly good.

Amy: I use Schick Quatro

Julia: I tried that! But I cut the crap out of myself with it. I even bought the one with the little battery operated trimmer on the end. I thought I might try getting fancy with my fringe. Ahem. Fail.

Amy: Yeah, me too. I wanna switch to a total man razor. I bet they are either better or no different. That “lady razor” thing is such a gimmick.

Julia: Tami is always telling me that! She says I should use dude ones like she does, and that they’re made better, and she thinks all these companies make crappy razors for women on purpose to make more $$ off of us.

Amy: I like the winter because I can get away with only shaving once a week.

Julia: Ha! That doesn’t fly in the desert.

Amy: I know. Did you ever do the hairy leg thing?

Julia: I might have in high school back when I was all “Eff You and the D&G Train You Rode In On!” anti-fashion/style anything. I even refused to pluck my eyebrows or anything back then.

Amy: I did in college when I discovered feminism and thought that meant I wasn’t allowed to shave.

Friends don’t let friends drink and ink.

Julia: Aw.

Amy: I’m very hairy, so it was gross on me.

Julia: I remember thinking about that stuff and wondering if I should stop shaving, but I always have felt like shaved legs make me feel sexier. So I still shaved after my feminist indoctrination in college.

Amy: Let’s talk bush.

Julia: Ha. Okay. You first.

Amy: You knew it was leading there.

Julia: Wheee!

Amy: I’m a trimmer/shaver.

Julia: Me, too.

Amy: Mostly out of laziness.

Julia: If it wasn’t such a pain in the front fanny, I’d probably shave more than I do.

Feminism 102: The Horticulture of the Hoo-Ha

Amy: Exactly. Did you say front fanny? When I was little, my friend used to say front butt. I thought that was so weird! I’ve never heard anyone else say that.

Julia: lmao Okay, now that we’ve broached hoo-ha horticulture and the legs… Let’s talk MichFest. Because I want to go this summer. BAD.

Amy: k

Julia: And I remember Moon joking last summer that she had to start growing out like, her legs and bush and stuff. Is it like, status quo that you just stop shaving stuff when you go there? Because I have no intention of not shaving!

Amy: Of course, body hair leads to Michfest. That’s hilarious. My friend and I get super shamed when womyn see us shaving in the showers. There’s an old school anti-femme thing going on there sometimes. But whatev. *Not that all femmes shave.

Julia: Are you going this summer? Say yes. Because you have to come.

Amy: It’s kind of nice to stop shaving while there, if that means something important to you.

Julia: So we can finally hang out, and march in the femme parade together.

Amy: Totally! I’ve skipped the last two years and feel very sad about it.

Julia: I say more power to anybody who decides to stop shaving to celebrate MichFest. I would like to celebrate by feeling sexy, and daily ritualist removal of my leg hair? Hot.

Amy: Diana and I always talk trash about sharing a giant tent/closet.

Julia: I remember you guys joking about that last year!

Amy: Speaking of Michfest and hair, there are straight-up beards on some womyn. Not just on butches or trans dudes.

Julia: That is rad.

Amy: It’s really cool. Not something you see in your everyday life.

Julia: I had a bearded lady pirate in a story I wrote last year. She was high femme with a beard.

Amy: I LOVE bearded ladies! I think they are hot. Like the old-timey idea of a circus femmed out lady with a full-on beard. I gotta read it!

Julia: Exactly! She and her butch, sword-swallower, tattoo’d lady partner had run away from the circus and become pirates.

Amy: Hello, that needs to be turned into a film

Julia: Ha! I’m interested in how our readers feel about their own body hair. So feel free to dish in the comments, hookers.

Amy: To shave or not to shave? That is the question.

Julia: Or to pluck, to bleach, to thread, to Nair. And if anybody has used those new “As seen on TV” pumice-y type hair remover pads, let’s talk. I’m really curious about those. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with Sally Hansen.

Amy: Good luck!

Julia: Thx!