Velvetpark’s Official Cinco de Gayo (Lezbo)

Velvetpark has engaged in some wishful this week as we ponder who will be America’s Next Celesbian.

Velvetpark has engaged in some wishful this week as we ponder who will be America’s Next Celesbian. We’re a little nonplussed that all the big money’s on a country singer none of us have ever heard of. This doesn’t actually mean said country star isn’t famous, I mean what the hell do we know about country music? At least half of us (Liederman, Moon, ProfC, Cage) almost never leave Williamsburg.

That said, the official announcement doesn’t come till Wednesday and Chely Wright could very well be a red herring meant to throw us off the scent (of a woman.)

Here are our top picks. You guys should leave your guesses in the comment section below.

Diana Cage: It’s Cristina Aguilera!
Reason
Have you seen this super lesbionic video?

Commentary
Grace Moon: um… about this video, can no one come up with an original idea after Gaga?! Well i think she’s a good choice then, she’s got no original ideas — rendered almost insignificant as and artist… she better come out for the sake of her career.

Kelly McCartney: My money is on Chely Wright

Reason
I’m not sure where the details of it being a chick country music singer came from. But, if that’s the case, Shelby Lynne certainly has years and years worth of insider gossip to back up the claims that it’s her. However, I’m going with someone else who is a bigger deal than Shelby and who lived a few blocks away from me in East Nashville with her girlfriend (also a chick singer, though not country). Their relationship was (is still?) an open secret in Music City.

Chely Wright’s memoir is coming out on May 4. Seems like she might as well follow on May 5, right?

We could’ve broken the story on Friday ahead of Queerty, or three years ago even. But homo don’t play that… I don’t believe in outing people against their will.
Commentary
Julia Watson: I’ve never heard of her!
Diana Cage: it has to be someone famous enough to get the cover of People, The View and Good Morning America all on the same day.
Grace Moon: Maybe the publicist dude had to give it a long tease, because once the news broke no one would give a shit?
Amy Nicole Miller: I would like to add that if it is Shelby Lynne or Chely Wright, these ladies are smart. This outing is going to boost their fame big time, and yes they are using us to get there. Who cares though? At least being out is going to help someone’s career, not ruin it.

Amy Nicole Miller: My guess is Ciara.

Reason
I just woke up so I can’t write out an explanation that will make sense… I just wanted to claim her. PS. I saw that XTina vid last night for the first time. It’s SO hot. She is amazing.

Diana Cage: I have a reason for it to be Ciara. How bout her amazingly dykey Like a Boy video. She certainly pulls off butch better than any of us could. Well, except the Prof.

 

Julia Watson: OMG, What if it’s Miley Cyrus?

Reason 
I have been getting a like whoa teen angst coming out vibe from her for the past month, especially since I read that interview where she said “the real reason” she deleted her Twitter was because she got so many anti-gay comments after speaking out for NOH8. If that’s truly why she retreated from the internets, WHO DOES THAT?! Unless you are a scared, closeted gay teen… And c’mon, she would SOOOOOO pull a media circus thing w/ all the big talk show appearances and cheesy build-up secrecy, because she’s 12 and doesn’t know any better, and because her handlers (i.e. Daddy WashedUpStarBucks) are clearly insane.

Moon: I’m going with Beyonce


Reason
She and Gaga make a lovely couple… and Jay-Z is her beard. And who doesn’t want Beyonce to play for our team?

Laniaya Alesia: Queen Latifah

Reason
Queen’s sexuality has been a matter of dispute for years — noticeably she hasn’t been photographed with anyone of the opposite sex and for the past couple years there has been speculation that she is in a relationship with her trainer. Also there was a rumor that Latifah proposed to her girlfriend so this may be a way for her to finally be able to be open about the relationship she’s kept quiet about for so long. 
Commentary
Watson: Everyone says this one is too obvious, but come on. Have you been paying attention to what she’s wearing lately? She has been sending increasingly bullswaggerdagger-y subliminal signals via her wardrobe choices (Idol Gives Back ensemble? Um, hello!), almost like an early warning coming out alert system. I think she’s been intentionally softening up her fan base after waiting until it’s like whoa obvs to
everyone. Oh, honey. It’s time!
Prof C : I totally second Julia’s nomination, and feel 100 percent about this weather forecast! I also want to throw a Queen Latifah party when this is all revealed.

Prof C: What if it’s Janet Reno?
Commentary
Watson: You may be onto something there. Remember Janet’s danceparty club hits from her SNL period?

Katie Liederman I think it’s Lady Gaga.

Reason
She’s an ardent man-hater if I’ve ever seen one. She makes out with a bulldagger in a jail yard before sharing a honey bun with Beyonce in “Telephone.” Every guy in every one of her videos ends up murdered. Also, she’s a high femme if I’ve ever seen one. She is fearless when it comes to her public persona, and would probably sell even more records if she outed herself as a full-blown lesbian — not pansexual, not intersexed and bi-sexual, or whatever it is she’s calling herself now. She is also perhaps the first huge pop star who is in no way a sex symbol, so it’s not like men will boycott her art. They’ll think of her as a funky, avant-guarde fag-hag dyke, which is, of course, exactly what she is.

Commentary
Diana Cage: Sounds like a high femme to me!
Prof C
: Katie! I’m embarrassed you think lady Gaga is a lesbian! She talks about “boys” like a fifteen year old.